Out and Proud

I think the hardest thing about having this surgery is the stigma behind it. I find myself having to defend myself in my own blog, a place where I should feel safe for having any feeling or thought, for having this surgery to try and get healthy. I have to defend the choices I make in my life against people who have no idea what I have gone through in my life.

I have been called fatso, lard ass, fattie, whale, pig, little miss piggy, tub of lard, big fat Ashlee, Fatshlee, fat bitch, and so many other names throughout my entire life I can’t even remember them. This started when I was in 3rd grade… 3RD GRADE! What kind of child should have to go through that kind of pain? What is the reason we have to be so cruel?

A friend of mine that had her surgery a few months ago hasn’t told a lot of people because of that stigma. She feels, as do I, that people will judge her for “taking the easy way out” as everyone is led to believe. It’s the same stigma that we say to ourselves, “We really couldn’t just exercise?”

I would like to address this stigma. No- I can’t just exercise. No, it isn’t about just not eating. I have lived my entire life as a fat person. It is engrained in my DNA, my body doesn’t work like yours. I gain more weight then do you when I eat something not so healthy. I don’t lose as much weight as you do when I eat right and exercise. My body has physical pain when I exercise, and I DO exercise. I do Zumba and go to the gym, and hike and try to do all of these things- Being obese is a struggle I have to live with every single day of my life. And I’ve said this before, this isn’t the easy way out. This is probably going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. And you know what? I am proud of it.

I am proud that I am taking my life into my own hands, and deciding that half a life isn’t enough for me. I am deciding to LIVE and be HEALTHY, and to put that on to my children. I am making a conscious effort to change my life for the better. Why would someone judge something so positive in this world of negativity? In this world of hate and war and murder, why can’t someone embrace something as beautiful as being healthy and living life to the fullest extend? Or trying to make a better life for my children?

Why can’t we just be happy for each other? Be proud for making that difficult decision, proud for taking their lives into their hands and doing something good with it. I could stay this way the rest of my life- easily. I could continue to gain weight, yoyo through life always dieting, always working hard. I could have obese children and continue this trend. Or I can make the tough decision and do good in the world.

Today will be the first day I will have my blog on my Facebook. Every person I know and love will know what my decision is and that I want to love life.

If you have any negative comments, please keep them to yourself. If you feel the need to put negative comments on my blog, they won’t be approved, so no one else will see them but me. I will not allow your cruelty to impact other people and their positive life change.
As always, positivity and support is welcome with open arms.

Skin-Y

So- the past couple days I have been looking at myself naked in the mirror (ohh lala) and wondering what parts of my body will have loose skin and what will bounce back. My insurance doesn’t cover any sort of cosmetic surgery to take away loose skin, so until I hit the lotto or get a really good job, I won’t be having surgery to remove it anytime soon. I just wonder if it is worth it. Skin looks better when there is fat under it- I just wonder how well lotions and other things will help to tighten my skin up.

To be honest, I am really worried about my breasts. I am 27 and I haven’t had kids yet. I think I deserve to have perky boobs to go with my new body. I hate thinking that I’m going to have to have plastic surgery to get the body I want.


Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there is going to be some loose skin, I just hope I don’t look like… well this —

Cute on a puppy, not cute on a woman.


I know I will have to exercise to help with this, I do yoga a lot and I think that will really help with toning. I think I just need to realize that if I am going to do this, I need to take the bad with the good. Good thing, I love a loving supportive boyfriend who loves me for me, and maybe one day after a house and kids I can get a tummy tuck and new boobs!! (okay maybe just a boob lift, I don’t think I need anymore boob in there.)

I am still putting together a list of food items for preparations after my surgery. The best thing that is going to happen right after my surgery is that my mom is going to be spending a week with me right after my surgery, helping me adjust. I am really looking forward to having her here, and having that support. She lives all the way in Michigan and I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like. She is my best friend, and due to distance and other issues we haven’t been as close this year as we usually are. So I think this will really bring us back together. Plus, since she went through this almost four years ago, it’s just another connection we’ll have.

Christmas is a week away, and I am excited to go back to Michigan and see my family. It’s been a few months since I was back home, and I am really missing everyone. The only thing that would make it better is if I already had the surgery and was well on my way to losing this weight. But I guess at the same time its a good thing I haven’t had it already, I can enjoy the holidays, and then start the year a new. Hey- I may actually be able to keep a New Years Resolution this year!! First time for everything, right?

Anyone readings this that has experienced loose skin and any resolution that they’d like to share, please comment

Always Be Prepared

I am sitting here trying to write in this blog. I was trying to write about how lately I think my body is subconsciously preparing myself for life after the surgery. As I am writing all I can hear is BLAH BLAH WHINE WHINE I’M FAT BLAH BLAH.

People get sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. Shit, I’M kind of getting sick of writing about it. But at this point, I have nothing to do but wait and think, think and wait until I can actually get this process started. I am at a place now that I just want it to be done. I am the kind of person when I get an idea in my head, I bust my ass until is done, so I can sit back and look at me work and remind myself how awesome I am. That’s what I want to do now. I just want to get all of this done with and get the surgery so I can start my journey. I am done feeling the way I feel all the time.

I was showing a friend of mine some old photo’s of me, when I was at my skinniest. I can remember how I felt during that time, and I want to get back there. I want to feel GOOD about myself, and feel good about the life I am leading. All I am doing right now is working working working and trying to make money for all these other things that are pending in my life.

Do you ever look at your life and think, I am sick of waiting for my life to start? That’s how I feel right now. So many things in my life are being put on hold for this surgery, and I just want it over with. I want to live my life!

This isn’t about being skinny. I’ll never be skinny, I have come to terms with that. And I don’t need to be skinny to be happy. I need to be less fat, healthy and full of energy.
So anyway- I really think that I have subconsciously been preparing myself for life after surgery. I’ve craved a lot of soup, my portions are small, and I have been very sensitive to texture. I couldn’t eat a piece of pumpkin pie today because it felt gross.

***CONNECTION*** I am so ready for this surgery, that I am already starting to eat like it. DING DING DING- good job brain! I actually put two and two together today. IT’S A MIRACLE.

As you can see, it is a bit of a struggle today for my brain to think. It’s been snowing non stop since Saturday, and I have a 45 minute commute home later. We have gotten about 6 inches of snow since I arrived this morning. My brain is already in vacation mode since my boyfriend and I will be traveling to Michigan on Saturday to spend a week there for Christmas. So as you can see, I have a lot on my mind.
The view from my office window:
Good thing I have all wheel drive! It pays to be prepared right?

I also have been trying to get together a list of things I am going to need after the surgery. I asked for a blender for Christmas because I figured I would be making a lot of shakes and stuff. My next post, I’ll add a list of items I will be getting, hopefully I can get some feedback on what is good, bad, or nasty!!

Baby Talk

After I had my seminar, my boyfriend and I talked about the surgery and what it would mean for our future. We plan on getting married within the next few years and have children shortly after that. Since I have decided to try to get this surgery done before all that happens, it has put our plans on hold. I want to wait a bit to get engaged (I don’t want to have to resize my ring 40 times) and, I have to wait at least 18 months to get pregnant after my surgery.

Now, being 27, I wanted to start having children within the next year or two. I really didn’t want to wait until after I was 30. I grew up with young parents, and I always wanted to be a young mother. Circumstance has put me in a different place, and I wasn’t ready to have children, nor was my partner. We had a lot of financial issues, so we put off getting married and having kids until we were a little more stable. I know now a days it isn’t a big deal having kids in your 30’s. In fact, most people wait until now to have kids. The average age in America for woman to have children is 28. So I am starting to get over the fact that I will be 30 by the time I have my first child.

But as my boyfriend and I were having this discussion about my surgery, he asked me, “Will the baby be safe after the surgery? Will it get enough nutrients.”
My automatic answer was, “Yes, that’s why they make you wait 18 months.”
But it got me thinking a bit. I will need to increase my calorie intake/nutrient intake when I get pregnant, but I won’t be able to eat more like normal pregnant woman would. So how am I gonna do that?

I started doing a little research, and I came across a great website:
http://www.babymed.com/pregnancy-after-gastric-bypass-surgery
I got information from other websites geared more toward bariatric patients, but this one was more for babies, which I thought would be better. I don’t really need to know what effect it will have on me, but I want to know about my baby. It gave me a lot of really great information.

Basically most of the websites said, you just have to take more nutrients, eat more nutritious food, and to make sure that you aren’t “dieting” while pregnant. You may still lose weight while you are pregnant, but that is just because you are still eating less. As long as you are eating that nutritious food, you should be fine. Also, they say you should be taking more prenatal supplements then a normal pregnant woman, because there is a small malabsorption that occurs after the surgery that you need to make up for.

Surprisingly, the other thing all the websites said was that I have a high risk of having to have a c-section. Now, I have come to terms with possibly having to have a c-section just because my boyfriend is 6’5, and he was 10 lbs when he was born and 24 inches long. That is a big baby. But I find this very surprising, especially because they don’t have a reason WHY bariatric surgery patients are more prone to c-sections. (If anyone has anymore information about this, i’d love to know.)

But the biggest thing for me is that I am going to be so much healthier when I carry my baby. I won’t be as much of a risk for gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. My child has less of a chance of becoming obese, and may have a higher IQ since my blood pressure won’t put stress on the baby. (I watched a documentary on how woman who have higher blood pressure or who stress out during their pregnancy tend to have children with lower IQ’s, have a lower development and have a higher risk of poor behavior. )

Based on the risks and rewards of all this, I think that it is a better idea to wait until after my surgery to have children. I think this decision will give my children a healthier life and increase their success of not being obese. Ultimately, this is my goal, for my children to be able to break this cycle.

Smorgasbord

So the one problem with deciding that you are going to try to have weight loss surgery is that you have this feeling of freedom with food. No longer do you have to diet, or watch what you eat. Why do that? You are going to just lose it all once this process is over anyway, right? WRONG!! (Well, IF I get the surgery that is right, but I still have to go through a very long process.) And what if I don’t get approved? Then I would have totally screwed myself.

I haven’t exercised in over a week. I canceled my weight watchers membership. I am eating anything I want. I ordered desert the other night! I am on a rampage! I need to stop.

The good thing is, I think I am actually getting sick of eating. I feel gross all the time, and I can’t believe how tired I am. There is something to say for eating heathy, you feel so much better. Plus my pants are getting a little tight!

The other problem is the holidays are coming up- We just had Thanksgiving. I’m spending Christmas with my family, and they are all foodies. Everything we do is based around where we are going lunch/dinner that day. Not to mention I have two Christmas dinners. I feel like I am on death row! I need my last meal…s.

I am just hoping all of this goes smoothly and quickly. Now that I have made my decision that I actually want this surgery, if I get denied I will be heartbroken. I already have a list of things that I want to do when I lose enough weight to do it. Like hiking, mountain climbing, get a new ID picture for my drivers license and work ID, running a 5k, and other things that I am not going to mention on this blog because they are sexual in nature and I don’t want to give my Grandmother a heart attack

But I am really looking forward to losing a significant amount of weight, and finally feeling free. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before. Free to act the way I want to act, and not worry about people judging me because i’m big. Free to maybe even start acting again. I was so uncomfortable with myself that I don’t think I allowed myself to be free while I acted. I was too stiff and couldn’t let go. Maybe i’ll be able to let go, and finally do something that I really love and am passionate about. I never realized I could feel like that.

As I typed that last paragraph, I got this image of a child running through fall leaves, laughing and screaming in delight. I want to be that child. Not a care in the world.

I have a disease

Obesity is a disease.

This is what I learned from my seminar. Me being overweight isn’t necessarily all my fault. There is medical proof that I just “don’t have any self-control.” I don’t have to feel like a failure because I couldn’t lose weight “normally.” I don’t have to feel like I’m just a pig who can’t stop eating HoHo’s. (Honestly, I haven’t had a hoho in like 12 years)

Don’t get me wrong, my behavior is apart of it. Eating the wrong things, and not exercising contributes to it. I am not saying the things I do and don’t do aren’t reasons in my fatness. But it’s also based on social, behavioral, cultural, physiological, metabolic and genetic factors.The fact that I have obesity on both sides of my family is a large reason why I am big today, and why I can’t keep off the weight I lose.

There is a great artical in the Huffington Post about a man to yo-yoed all his life- he went from 200, to over 400 and back down to 200 lbs. This is what he had to say about obesity,
“I am going to live the rest of my life with obesity. I preach to many that you can live a healthy life with obesity. Obesity has been hard, but I will never deny that I do not have obesity. It is a disease that has no cure.

But I fight like hell every day to live with it and to stay healthy.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-posnanski/obesity-disease_b_4303347.html

I will struggle with obesity all of my life, even after I have surgery. “This is not a magic bullet.” My surgeon said.

He is right. I am going to have to work harder then I ever have after I have this surgery. But what this surgery is going to give me is the tool to do that. Right now, I do Zumba twice a week, I eat healthy, I watch my portions, and I am staying the same. Based on my weight, my family history and my health, losing weight with diet and exercise (And keeping it off) is impossible. After the surgery, I will be able to exercise without being in pain. Everyime I start my zumba class my back starts to hurt, my ankles hurt, and by the time it’s over I am dead. I do it twice a week because I know its healthy for me. But if I could do it without pain, I think I could sweat more, and lose more calories.

This is NOT an excuse. I am sick of reading articles about how fat people just need to stop eating so much, and listening to people say how fat people just need to get up an exercise. You have NO IDEA what its like to be fat if you aren’t fat. I am not a binge eater. Yes- sometimes I eat foods that aren’t good for me. Yes- I eat cake at birthday parties. But doesn’t everyone? Aren’t I allowed to be a human too and enjoy things? Why is it that because i’m fat I can’t have a damn oreo. OREO’S ARE GOOD! I shouldn’t have to live off celery for the rest of my life!

When I eat healthy, I do lose weight. I work very hard. But if I have one treat- one dinner of pizza or a slice of pie, I gain half of what I just lost back. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? To work so hard, and do so well, and because of one meal it is ruined?
This is how backsliding occures. This is why I can’t lose weight or keep it off. I am done with that. I am done yoyoing through life.

My consultation for my surgery is on January 6th. I am having a gastric bypass.

Fat Seminar

Tomorrow I make my decision.


I have the seminar tomorrow, and I am way more nervous then I thought I would be. And surprisingly, more indecisive then I was last week. I thought I had made up my mind already, and that I was going to do it. I was even excited last week. But now, I’m just nervous, its getting real.

I realized how much my life will change- for good and bad. Everything that I have already talked about and expressed are still in my mind- I am constantly going back and fourth. I just keep thinking about the what if’s- what if I do, what if I don’t. This has been pretty much going through my mind all weekend.

Saturday I went to a banquette for my boyfriend and his football team. I wore a dress, and under that dress was something to suck me in appropriately, plus nylons because it was freezing outside. I was so uncomfortable, I had to go home and change before we went out again. I had on a tank top that sucked in the top part, and something that resembles spanks. The spanks were digging into my side so badly, I was in pain. At this point, I would have done anything to not be fat.

But Sunday, sitting around in sweat pants and watching cooking channels, all I wanted to do was be fat and eat a ton of food, off course.

Sunday night we went out to dinner with my boyfriends grandparents and his Grandma is always raving about this one restaurant and their chicken parm (It’s pretty good BTW.) But as I am eating it, I am thinking to myself- what could I have ordered here? It is a pizza joint, they have other italian dishes to eat, but there is really nothing I could have had, especially in the beginning times of my surgery. I could have gotten a meatball I suppose. And then today, I get lunch in our cafe, and they have this amazing soup that I love, and I for sure can have this after I have the surgery. Honestly, I could eat soup pretty much every day and never get sick of it. I have been so up and down the past few days I don’t know where I am. Tomorrow, I will make a decision that will change the rest of my life, But I just don’t know which direction.

The food thing isn’t the only thing that is making me nervous. The surgery itself is making me nervous. I have never had surgery, unless you count getting my wisdom teeth being pulled (or surgically YANKED from my mouth.) I am worried about blood clots and dying. I don’t want to be that ironic person that had surgery to be healthier then ended up dying because of it.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “STOP WHINING!” Well, I feel like I have a right to whine. I am nervous. I am SCARED. And I know without this surgery, I will never lose weight I want. Never. It will probably get even worse from having kids, and so will my depression and my health. I’ll die young and never see my grandchildren or grow old with the man I love. These things are important to me. (If you didn’t know this by now, I take things WAYYY over the top.)

I just need to keep reminding myself that this is for my own good- I need to do this if I want to be healthy and to have a healthy life style. I want to run a marathon, and go mountain climbing. I want to be one of those annoying organic people.

I am sick of being fat girl.

I am so much more than that.

“Turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face”

I can’t picture myself thin.

Being big all your life, you tend to only know yourself as big. I’ve been less big, and after looking at photo’s of myself, I see how much bigger I have gotten. But I can’t picture myself being thinner than I am right now. It boggles my mind. Right now- I am in between size 20 and 22. I’ve maintained that for about a year- and I’ve lost about 20 lbs since my highest weight. I obviously am not where I want to be.

These are the most recent photo’s of me that are actually full body photo’s. There are not a lot of these out there.

I don’t really know where I am going with this. I was looking at other people on the weight loss surgery websites- and I see these people who have had this done, and the dramatic weight loss they have had, and how good they look. Will I look at good? Will I lose too much weight and look too skinny?

Something stuck out to me from a movie, I don’t remember what movie it was from. But a woman was talking about her friend who lost a lot of weight. She said, “Poor thing lost all that weight and turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face.” (Yes, Mom. I know I have a pretty face.) I don’t even know why I bring this up- I just keep hearing it in my mind.

I guess my point is that I never really started thinking of how I could look thin, until now. I never thought I could ever be thin, or even close to it. I always knew that if I ever did lose weight, i’d still be big. I know i’ll never be a size 4- and I don’t want to be. I’d be happy being a size 16. I don’t mind being a plus size woman. I like having curves and I don’t need to wear a bikini to be happy. I just want to be slimmer then I am, comfortable in my own skin. Not everyone wants to look like a model.

Recently, a plus size woman won something on one of those dance reality shows. I don’t watch reality shows (they are whats wrong with this world) but I heard her give a speech after she won, and it was played on a radio station I enjoy. She said you can do anything you can put your mind to, no matter what size you are. ( Well that’s just not true. If you are 500 lbs, you probably can’t go for a jog for miles, but I get where she is coming from. )When I heard her say that though, I had a big of an identity crisis. I have always prided myself on having curves, being a woman who looked like a woman, and not a boy. If I have this surgery, will I lose that? Will I lose too much weight and lose this plus size comradery that I have had my whole life. I look up to people like Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifah and Jill Scott. They don’t let how they look deter them. And they are beautiful successful woman. I have always wanted to be them to not let my weight hinder me in any way. But it has. I am probably not a famous actress right now BECAUSE I am so uncomfortable with my body and how I look. But how will this change me as a person?

When you are big your whole life, you don’t ever see yourself as thin. But what happens when it is in your grasp? Do all your dreams come true? Or do you regret it? Do you lose yourself in this new image, or do you blossom into the real you, the you that you could never be before?

I guess the only way to find out is to take that leap and hope for the best.
I think I’m going to leap.

Think Fast!

Next week is the weight loss surgery seminar that my friend Meaghan wants me to go to. It is supposed to be very informational and it will answer a lot of questions that I still have about the surgery.

I have given my self until the seminar to make my decision on if I am going to have the surgery or not. I want to be well-informed before making the decision. Becides the books I have read and the personal relationship I have with two people who had the RNY gastric bypass, I have started to go on support sites. I am apart of one Facebook support site, and I have also been toying with the idea of looking for a gastric bypass forum to read more about the struggles real people are going through. While I find the success stories wonderful, I am more interested in the struggles. I want to know what I am getting myself into. I don’t want to go into this thinking this is going to be a miracle and that it is going to be easy. I want to know how hard it is going to be, how much work it is going to be, otherwise it would be like going in blind. I think I have an advantage over some people, because I really do know a lot. I am also an obsessive researcher and I need to know all of the information FIRST. I have a feeling I scare the shit out of myself more then keep myself informed.

I am really nervous about telling people, and how they are going to react. Everyone I have told so far has been very supportive, but I don’t know what they are really thinking. Do they think I am taking the easy way out? Will they look at me differently? I don’t want anyone to think that I have no self-control, or that I am lazy. I work out, I do Zumba- I eat right. I have worked very hard to try to lose weight and maintain a weight loss. But isn’t necessarily about being thin. It’s about being healthy, feeling comfortable, and being able to live my life as long as I can.

I am pretty sure I am a hypochondriac and I worry constantly about my health and if I am going to die. I worry about having a heart attack because I am overweight. My blood pressure medication makes my heart race from time to time, and I lay in bed thinking, “Nate (my boyfriend) is going to find me dead in the morning because I am going to have a heart attack, right now.” Obviously, I am fine. But I still worry.

I also really want to be able to hike and mountain climb easier. Nate and I are outdoorsy, and I am always hesitant to go on a hike or anything too strenuous because I am so embarrassed by how out of breath I am. Physically, I can do it. But I am huffing and puffing the whole way, and it isn’t enjoyable when I am gasping for breath the entire time. I want to be able to hike up to a mountain peak and be able to think about how beautiful it is up there, rather than to take in as much air as possible before I pass out.
I really have to start thinking fast. I will be making up my mind about the rest of my life in a week.



But before I do that, I am going to stuff my face with Thankgiving dinner, possibly for the last time.


Gobble Gobble!!

The Millennium Force

I want to be able to ride roller coasters again.

I am originally from Michigan- and every Michigander loves going to Cedar Point in Ohio-, which is by far the best theme park in the USA. (Yes, THE best) One of my favorite roller coasters there is called The Millennium Force. It opened in the year 2000, and I have ridden it at least a dozen times. The coaster has a 310 ft., 45 degree inclined lift hill with a 300 ft. drop, and features two tunnels, three over-banked tunnels and four hills. It has a top speed of about 93 mph- And, there is only a seat belt holding you in. The best is sitting in the front seat, seeing your entire life pass you by.

The last time I was at Cedar Point, I tried to ride this ride. I was stopped before I even got in line and was asked to sit in their mock chair to make sure the seat belt fit me. Can you imagine? “Uhm excuse me, I think you are too fat to ride this ride, could you embarrass yourself now in front of hundreds of people by trying to buckle this belt across your fat stomach?” I was mortified. My day was pretty much ruined at that point, and if I had been of drinking age, I would have done just that.

I am probably 50lbs bigger than I was when that happened. I know why they did it- because they don’t want people waiting in a long line only to be told they can’t ride it- they think it’s less embarrassing to do it at the front of the line, then at the end. I get all this. But I never want that to happen again.

I want to go back to that roller coaster, and be able to enter the line without being stopped. I don’t want to be the standard of people that can’t ride the roller coaster.
I want to feel comfortable in an airplane- Because most of my flights are very short, I usually have to fly on “puddle jumpers.” This means it’s a very small plane, usually only two rows of two, and the seat belts apparently are only to be worn by children (this is fat humor at its finest people.) This also means the chairs are smaller. I HATE having to sit next to people. I always try to sit by the window and try to keep my legs as far from the person next to me as I can. I find myself trying to fold my body into the corner of the window so I don’t spill into the other persons’ seat. My entire body is so tense the entire flight; I can’t relax unless I am sitting alone.

I want to wear SHORTS! And TANK TOPS! and BOOTS! OMG how much I want to wear a pair of boots that goes over my calf. I have tried on so many wide calf boots, and none of them fit. I hate having to wear ankle boots or having to bunch my boots up under my calf.

I want to be able to wear clothes without something sucking me in every day. I have to wear a shape wear tank top every day just to feel comfortable- like I know nothing is spilling out or causing rolls. In the summer, I sweat so much because how many layers I have to wear just to feel comfortable.
I want to be able to look back at my wedding and my wedding photos and feel like I was beautiful- and not regret the photos that were taken- and not think; could I have gotten a different dress, if only I were thinner?

Can I look like this?

I stood up in my cousins wedding while in college. This was during a time where I felt really good about myself, and I thought I looked really good. During the photographs, the photographer kept putting one of the thinner girls in front of me, and I knew why he was doing it. The girl he kept putting in front of me didn’t, and she kept moving over so she didn’t block me. He actually EXPLAINED to her “You see how when I put someone in front of me, I don’t look as big? That is what I am trying to do here.” I have never been more humiliated in my life. After they were done taking photos, I went into the bathroom and balled my eyes out. My mom found out, and ripped the photographer a new one. He apologized, being a big man himself, it wasn’t his intention to hurt me; he was just trying to get the other bridesmaid to stay where he put her.

People shouldn’t have to go through things like this. Life shouldn’t be dictated by how big you are. I can’t go hiking with people other than my boyfriend because I am very self-conscious about how hard I breathe. I can’t have photos taken of me because it just reminds me how fat I am. I can’t get pregnant because I am just perpetuating the fat epidemic. I can’t wear boots because they don’t fit. I can’t buy regular shoes because my feet are so wide. I can’t ride a roller coaster. I am so sick of CAN’T.


I want to take control of my life. And I think this surgery is going to be the start of that.

This is Scary.

 

I just decided to get myself a new blog. I spent like three hours trying to figure out the layout and everything, and I still don’t like it- but it will do for now. I am not what people would call “tech savvy.”

To preface my next post, I need to explain a little bit about my personal life. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and living together for almost 5. Eventually we will get married, until then I consider his family my in-laws even if legally they are not.

So the other night, my boyfriend and I were at his grandparents’ house, along with my boyfriend’s brother and his wife. His grandparents have sold their house and wanted us to take some stuff so they can get rid of it. While we were alone, I told my sister-in-law I was thinking about having a gastric bypass. She said to me, “Wow, That’s scary.”

This is scary. Not even considering everything I have to do BEFORE the surgery, the surgery itself seems scary. My mom had explained it to me while she was going through hers, and I didn’t do a lot of research until now because I was already afraid of her going into the surgery. Basically, they cut the bottom of your stomach off, and make a little pouch out of the top part. Then they reroute the small intestine to the pouch

I have never had surgery before, unless you count my wisdom teeth. I know it is all done laparoscopically, but it is scary thinking of people routing around in my innards. I know they will have to put me under, which is scary. You could never wake up, you could stop breathing, you could have an allergic reaction and possibly die. That is just from the anesthesia. After the surgery, you could have an infection or something else could go wrong. They literally have pages of things that could happen to you.

I know all of these things that could happen are a very small percentage. Lots of people have this surgery and are perfectly fine- My mom for instance and my friend Meaghan. I know I can’t continue to dwell on the negative, but being able to write about it is the best therapy.

The more I think about it, the more I am thinking I do want to have the surgery. All of the risks and things that I am afraid of really don’t outweight the benefits of the surgery. Pro’s and Con’s list to follow!

Meaghan Just Wants Pizza Hut

My good friend Meaghan had her RNY Gastric Bypass in September of 2013. She has had a hard time with food, especially lately as she is transitioning into solid food. As she is starting to feel hunger again, she has cravings for things she can’t have, like Pizza Hut Pizza. I don’t think that there has been a day this week that she hasn’t talked about Pizza Hut pizza and that all she wants to do is eat an entire pizza pie. Portions are starting to frustrate her. When she finds something she likes, she wants to eat a lot of it (as all of us do) and she can’t. She had just read another post on my blog yesterday, and she typed this to me (we were talking VIA IM at work)

“So, some day you may have pasta again, and you may be able to eat all of those yummy things.. but its not the same. Imagine going from a BOWL of pasta to 2 fork fulls broken down into strand size bites… its SOOOO frustrating! I just want to pick up a slice of pizza and devour it and NOT get the tightness in my chest or the nausea feeling. I miss THAT!”
I thought about that a lot for the rest of my day. I know eating a lot of food is probably my major downfall when it comes to losing weight. I have always struggled with portion control, and I know that when I did Weight Watchers 500 times, that I really had to be meticulous with my portions and measuring. It was horrific to see the serving size I was supposed to be eating compared to that I had been eating. Through out the last year or so, I have really been paying attention to my portions and trying to lessen them. I do eat a lot less then I used to, and that has contributed to my 20lb weight loss. But two bites of food, how can you SURVIVE? (enter dramatic music here)

This was only for three people

I remember recently having a conversation with my Mom about this. My boyfriend, my mom and I all went out to have sushi. Not realizing how much sushi we actually ordered, we were surprised when the waiter came out with a BOAT of sushi. As we are eating, my mom probably had four pieces, and she knew she was full, and was frustrated because she wanted more, it was SO good. But she knew she was satisfied, and enjoyed the sushi that she could eat. I want to get to that point with food- To have a little, enjoy it fully, and feel satisfied.

(One little positive tidbit I want to interject is that my mom has to take home everything she orders from a restaurant. Since she still can’t eat a lot- she takes half of it home and eats it the next day. It’s like two meals for one. That wouldnt’ be that bad. Plus, I’d probably save a boatload of money on groceries.)

So I was mulling all of this over yesterday during the day, then had Zumba after work. So last night my boyfriend made me dinner (he is such a good cook) because I was getting home late after working out. We recently found this yellow saffron rice that we love. (Rice is probably one of my favorite foods, I could eat it every day) This rice tastes so good I could eat just that. But I decided I would challenged myself only to eat a little bit, not quite as small of a portion as I would be able to eat if I had the surgery- but smaller then normal. I couldn’t stop myself from having one more spoonful while I was putting the leftovers away for my lunch tomorrow. I was going to have it for lunch the next day, and I couldn’t help myself from having just one more bite. Seriously???

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably pop my pouch if I have this surgery because I can’t control my eating habits-

Okay well maybe not- but again these are the things I think about. Can I handle only having 3-5 oz of Thanksgiving dinner?

Believe it or not, this is a small Thanksgiving dinner for us

Also- it will really suck having to pay the same amount for everyone else, especially for things like hibachi and buffets when I am only eating a tiny bit. They should have Gastric Bypass specials. Why should I be discriminated against- I want food equality!!! (No, I won’t go storming to congress with this, but think about it!)

Can I give this up?

Some people don’t realize everything they have to give up once they have this surgery- These are the things I think about often. As a fat chick, I love food. I considered going to culinary school after high school, but decided that a Theater and English degree was the smarter decision (enter sarcasm here.)

One of the main things I am going to miss is desserts- one of my favorite desserts is triple chocolate cake with my Grandma’s homemade buttercream frosting- and by buttercream frosting, I mean frosting that is made out of sugar, crisco, and butter. I could eat gallons of this stuff. In my boyfriends family, we eat a lot of apple pie- that is his mother’s specialty- and it is loaded with sugar. And brownies, oh the brownies. 
 

The other main issue I am having to deal with is the possibility of not being able to eat pasta. My dad’s side of the family is Italian, and my boyfriend’s family thinks they are Italian, so we eat a lot of pasta. This is a staple in my house, and has been since I can remember. I just recently learned how to make homemade spaghetti sauce and I love it. Granted- I know I’d at least be able to eat the meatballs- but I want PASTA!
 

My mom can have some kinds of pasta now, but it isn’t the same. I could be fine with pasta, who knows. But that’s the point- I won’t know until I have the surgery- I won’t know how I will react to certain things, and being the control freak that I am is scared of the unknown. What if my favorite things now make me sick?
 

The biggest disappointment I have found, is that even three years later, my mom still occasionally feels icky after having my dad’s barbecue sauce. This is the best sauce you will ever have- it reminds me of Sweet Baby Ray’s- just to get your juices flowing here. But it is LOADED with brown sugar. I put this stuff on EVERYTHING- chicken, pork, ribs, pulled pork, WHITE RICE (yes, it’s weird, but it’s SO delicious)
 

Food is a big part of my life. It isn’t just to live off of, this is what we base all of our social gatherings around, what we base our holidays off of, and I cook for pleasure. Will this surgery take that away from me? Will I hate to cook because I can no longer enjoy the things I used to? Or, will this open my eyes to new things?

This is the question I keep asking myself: Is it worth it?

I Love Salt

I have high blood pressure.

I take medication for it that I hate due to the side effects (one being I have to pee ALL THE TIME.) One of the possibilities that I have high blood pressure is that both of my parents do. The other is my weight, and the fact that I love salt.
I LOVE salt. I put salt on everything! My father once told me he was going to get me a salt lick for Christmas. I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that he never has gotten me one.

I had to start a low sodium diet because of my blood pressure, and I absolutely hate it. Everything tastes bland. Occasionally when I decide to cheat, or if I have something that is very salty like Chinese food, my heart will beat super-fast, and it will not stop for hours. Due to this and other heart related issues, I had to wear a Holter Monitor for 48 hours. This was the most miserable 48 hours of my life. I couldn’t shower, and I had wires attached to my body in 5 different places, I had to keep the monitor in my bra and sleep with it there, I had no shirts that would hide the stickers on my body so I had to wear scarves, and to top it all off, I had an allergic reaction to whatever goop they put on the stickers. I had welts on my body for a month. After all of this, they found NOTHING wrong with me. THIS IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE! I think this is a side effect from my blood pressure medication, because this never ever happened before.

Thinking that there is a possibility that I wouldn’t have to take this medication anymore, and my body wouldn’t overreact every time I had something salty, makes me want this surgery.

Thinking I could be a NORMAL sized bride, and not have to worry about covering my fat arms in my wedding dress, being able to actually TRY ON my wedding dress, and not having to settle because it was the only thing that fits me, makes me want this surgery.
The possibility that I could be normal sized when I get pregnant, and give my children a better possibility of not being obese makes me want this surgery.

Not feeling like people are staring at me makes me want to have this surgery.
Never having to wear that fucking Holter Monitor again makes me want to run to the surgeon right now and beg him to do it today.

Should I?

I am 27 years old, and I have been fat pretty much my whole life. From the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was overweight. I can’t remember a time not being fat, not being called fat, and not having people look at me thinking how fat I was. I tried to maintain my weight, going on every diet I could, eating right, trying to exercise. Sometimes I would lose weight, other times I wouldn’t budge. I have tried Atkins, cabbage soup diet, Weight Watchers, the grape fruit diet, and so many other diets I am embarrassed to admit I tried them. Each time I’d lose some weight; sometimes I even lost a lot of weight. But I would always gain it back- plus some. There was a time in college that I lost 35 lbs. and kept it off for a year and a half. That’s my biggest success story.

Being fat isn’t the same as being thin- when you are fat, you are always self-aware. You always know where your pants are so you can pull them back up so a roll doesn’t pop out. You are mindful of what you say so people still like you. Your shirt is always pulled down, your chin is always up, and you almost never wear shorts or tank-tops in public. Eating in public is an ordeal. You want to eat what everyone else is eating, but you feel like they will stare at you and say, “Oh, she’s fat; of course she is going to eat that.” Or if you choose something healthy, people are thinking, “Oh poor fat girl, she is trying.” I would just like to eat what I am going to eat and not be judged for it.

My mother was also overweight all her life, and watching her struggle put my weight into perspective when I was very young. Getting dressed was going to set the mood of the day, if my mom couldn’t find anything to wear; I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. A little over three years ago, my mom had a Gastric Bypass. She has lost 99 lbs. and has ran two 5k’s. I have never seen her happier, and I couldn’t be prouder of her success.
As happy as I am for my mom, and although she still struggles with her weight and wanting to lose more, I feel alone in my own struggle. Before, I had someone with me while I dieted, a buddy that understood what it was like to be plus sized. She can shop in the regular size section now, and I am alone to find fat clothes by myself.

A few weeks ago, a friend from work had a Gastric Bypass- I have thought about it before, but didn’t know if I wanted to change my life so drastically, or if I could afford it. After finding out that I can get financial aid for the 20% that I have to pay for the surgery, and even for my co-pays, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel- but then I thought- can I give up everything I love about food to shop in the regular size section?

Many people think a Gastric Bypass is the easy way out, that because I have no self-control or that I am lazy that I can’t lose weight. I would like to tell those people that they have no idea what I have struggled with my ENTIRE LIFE. I work out three to four times a week doing Zumba, I eat healthy, I eat fruits and veggies and try to lower my carb intake- I DO all of these things. I have been stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks. I go up or down a pound or two, but I have been staying consistent. While staying consistent means I am not gaining, I am still heavier then I want to be when I hit a plateau. Based on my genetics and my health complications, I have a very small percentage of losing all the weight I want and keeping it off.

So I start thinking, should I get the surgery? Can I change my entire life to be healthy? I know the limitations I will be under if I get it. Protein first, very small portions, I can’t drink out of a straw, no sugar, NO SODA! There are also medication limitations, like I can no longer have Aleve or Advil- this is a huge thing for me due to chronic headaches. I won’t be able to have kids for 18 months. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married and have children in the next couple years, and that puts a bit of a stink on my time line- It also means I probably won’t be able to have a child before I am 30 (yes, I realize this may not be a big deal to some people, but I always wanted to have my first child before I was 30 for my own personal reasons.) So if I start now, it could take me 6 months until I even have the surgery, then another 18 months on top of that. And then there is a the issue, do I really want to have a baby after I lose all this weight? I might gain all of it back, and then I may have ruined my surgery.

I have read a couple books on the surgery, and a few blogs about how people are doing after the surgery- but I found nothing on someone struggling with the decision- should I or shouldn’t I? Can I lose the weight without it? Can I keep it off? Will I ever get down to the weight I desire without the surgery? What if I stretch my stomach back out? What if I have to do the surgery again? What happens if my skin doesn’t bounce back, or if my boobs will be saggy- I don’t want plastic surgery-

Here is the big question: Can I do it and keep the weight off? Will it be worth it? Will I get everything I have ever wanted, or will I regret it?