Fat Seminar

Tomorrow I make my decision.


I have the seminar tomorrow, and I am way more nervous then I thought I would be. And surprisingly, more indecisive then I was last week. I thought I had made up my mind already, and that I was going to do it. I was even excited last week. But now, I’m just nervous, its getting real.

I realized how much my life will change- for good and bad. Everything that I have already talked about and expressed are still in my mind- I am constantly going back and fourth. I just keep thinking about the what if’s- what if I do, what if I don’t. This has been pretty much going through my mind all weekend.

Saturday I went to a banquette for my boyfriend and his football team. I wore a dress, and under that dress was something to suck me in appropriately, plus nylons because it was freezing outside. I was so uncomfortable, I had to go home and change before we went out again. I had on a tank top that sucked in the top part, and something that resembles spanks. The spanks were digging into my side so badly, I was in pain. At this point, I would have done anything to not be fat.

But Sunday, sitting around in sweat pants and watching cooking channels, all I wanted to do was be fat and eat a ton of food, off course.

Sunday night we went out to dinner with my boyfriends grandparents and his Grandma is always raving about this one restaurant and their chicken parm (It’s pretty good BTW.) But as I am eating it, I am thinking to myself- what could I have ordered here? It is a pizza joint, they have other italian dishes to eat, but there is really nothing I could have had, especially in the beginning times of my surgery. I could have gotten a meatball I suppose. And then today, I get lunch in our cafe, and they have this amazing soup that I love, and I for sure can have this after I have the surgery. Honestly, I could eat soup pretty much every day and never get sick of it. I have been so up and down the past few days I don’t know where I am. Tomorrow, I will make a decision that will change the rest of my life, But I just don’t know which direction.

The food thing isn’t the only thing that is making me nervous. The surgery itself is making me nervous. I have never had surgery, unless you count getting my wisdom teeth being pulled (or surgically YANKED from my mouth.) I am worried about blood clots and dying. I don’t want to be that ironic person that had surgery to be healthier then ended up dying because of it.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “STOP WHINING!” Well, I feel like I have a right to whine. I am nervous. I am SCARED. And I know without this surgery, I will never lose weight I want. Never. It will probably get even worse from having kids, and so will my depression and my health. I’ll die young and never see my grandchildren or grow old with the man I love. These things are important to me. (If you didn’t know this by now, I take things WAYYY over the top.)

I just need to keep reminding myself that this is for my own good- I need to do this if I want to be healthy and to have a healthy life style. I want to run a marathon, and go mountain climbing. I want to be one of those annoying organic people.

I am sick of being fat girl.

I am so much more than that.