Should I?

I am 27 years old, and I have been fat pretty much my whole life. From the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was overweight. I can’t remember a time not being fat, not being called fat, and not having people look at me thinking how fat I was. I tried to maintain my weight, going on every diet I could, eating right, trying to exercise. Sometimes I would lose weight, other times I wouldn’t budge. I have tried Atkins, cabbage soup diet, Weight Watchers, the grape fruit diet, and so many other diets I am embarrassed to admit I tried them. Each time I’d lose some weight; sometimes I even lost a lot of weight. But I would always gain it back- plus some. There was a time in college that I lost 35 lbs. and kept it off for a year and a half. That’s my biggest success story.

Being fat isn’t the same as being thin- when you are fat, you are always self-aware. You always know where your pants are so you can pull them back up so a roll doesn’t pop out. You are mindful of what you say so people still like you. Your shirt is always pulled down, your chin is always up, and you almost never wear shorts or tank-tops in public. Eating in public is an ordeal. You want to eat what everyone else is eating, but you feel like they will stare at you and say, “Oh, she’s fat; of course she is going to eat that.” Or if you choose something healthy, people are thinking, “Oh poor fat girl, she is trying.” I would just like to eat what I am going to eat and not be judged for it.

My mother was also overweight all her life, and watching her struggle put my weight into perspective when I was very young. Getting dressed was going to set the mood of the day, if my mom couldn’t find anything to wear; I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. A little over three years ago, my mom had a Gastric Bypass. She has lost 99 lbs. and has ran two 5k’s. I have never seen her happier, and I couldn’t be prouder of her success.
As happy as I am for my mom, and although she still struggles with her weight and wanting to lose more, I feel alone in my own struggle. Before, I had someone with me while I dieted, a buddy that understood what it was like to be plus sized. She can shop in the regular size section now, and I am alone to find fat clothes by myself.

A few weeks ago, a friend from work had a Gastric Bypass- I have thought about it before, but didn’t know if I wanted to change my life so drastically, or if I could afford it. After finding out that I can get financial aid for the 20% that I have to pay for the surgery, and even for my co-pays, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel- but then I thought- can I give up everything I love about food to shop in the regular size section?

Many people think a Gastric Bypass is the easy way out, that because I have no self-control or that I am lazy that I can’t lose weight. I would like to tell those people that they have no idea what I have struggled with my ENTIRE LIFE. I work out three to four times a week doing Zumba, I eat healthy, I eat fruits and veggies and try to lower my carb intake- I DO all of these things. I have been stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks. I go up or down a pound or two, but I have been staying consistent. While staying consistent means I am not gaining, I am still heavier then I want to be when I hit a plateau. Based on my genetics and my health complications, I have a very small percentage of losing all the weight I want and keeping it off.

So I start thinking, should I get the surgery? Can I change my entire life to be healthy? I know the limitations I will be under if I get it. Protein first, very small portions, I can’t drink out of a straw, no sugar, NO SODA! There are also medication limitations, like I can no longer have Aleve or Advil- this is a huge thing for me due to chronic headaches. I won’t be able to have kids for 18 months. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married and have children in the next couple years, and that puts a bit of a stink on my time line- It also means I probably won’t be able to have a child before I am 30 (yes, I realize this may not be a big deal to some people, but I always wanted to have my first child before I was 30 for my own personal reasons.) So if I start now, it could take me 6 months until I even have the surgery, then another 18 months on top of that. And then there is a the issue, do I really want to have a baby after I lose all this weight? I might gain all of it back, and then I may have ruined my surgery.

I have read a couple books on the surgery, and a few blogs about how people are doing after the surgery- but I found nothing on someone struggling with the decision- should I or shouldn’t I? Can I lose the weight without it? Can I keep it off? Will I ever get down to the weight I desire without the surgery? What if I stretch my stomach back out? What if I have to do the surgery again? What happens if my skin doesn’t bounce back, or if my boobs will be saggy- I don’t want plastic surgery-

Here is the big question: Can I do it and keep the weight off? Will it be worth it? Will I get everything I have ever wanted, or will I regret it?