I can’t picture myself thin.
Being big all your life, you tend to only know yourself as big. I’ve been less big, and after looking at photo’s of myself, I see how much bigger I have gotten. But I can’t picture myself being thinner than I am right now. It boggles my mind. Right now- I am in between size 20 and 22. I’ve maintained that for about a year- and I’ve lost about 20 lbs since my highest weight. I obviously am not where I want to be.
These are the most recent photo’s of me that are actually full body photo’s. There are not a lot of these out there.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. I was looking at other people on the weight loss surgery websites- and I see these people who have had this done, and the dramatic weight loss they have had, and how good they look. Will I look at good? Will I lose too much weight and look too skinny?
Something stuck out to me from a movie, I don’t remember what movie it was from. But a woman was talking about her friend who lost a lot of weight. She said, “Poor thing lost all that weight and turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face.” (Yes, Mom. I know I have a pretty face.) I don’t even know why I bring this up- I just keep hearing it in my mind.
I guess my point is that I never really started thinking of how I could look thin, until now. I never thought I could ever be thin, or even close to it. I always knew that if I ever did lose weight, i’d still be big. I know i’ll never be a size 4- and I don’t want to be. I’d be happy being a size 16. I don’t mind being a plus size woman. I like having curves and I don’t need to wear a bikini to be happy. I just want to be slimmer then I am, comfortable in my own skin. Not everyone wants to look like a model.
Recently, a plus size woman won something on one of those dance reality shows. I don’t watch reality shows (they are whats wrong with this world) but I heard her give a speech after she won, and it was played on a radio station I enjoy. She said you can do anything you can put your mind to, no matter what size you are. ( Well that’s just not true. If you are 500 lbs, you probably can’t go for a jog for miles, but I get where she is coming from. )When I heard her say that though, I had a big of an identity crisis. I have always prided myself on having curves, being a woman who looked like a woman, and not a boy. If I have this surgery, will I lose that? Will I lose too much weight and lose this plus size comradery that I have had my whole life. I look up to people like Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifah and Jill Scott. They don’t let how they look deter them. And they are beautiful successful woman. I have always wanted to be them to not let my weight hinder me in any way. But it has. I am probably not a famous actress right now BECAUSE I am so uncomfortable with my body and how I look. But how will this change me as a person?
When you are big your whole life, you don’t ever see yourself as thin. But what happens when it is in your grasp? Do all your dreams come true? Or do you regret it? Do you lose yourself in this new image, or do you blossom into the real you, the you that you could never be before?
I guess the only way to find out is to take that leap and hope for the best.
I think I’m going to leap.
These are the most recent photo’s of me that are actually full body photo’s. There are not a lot of these out there.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. I was looking at other people on the weight loss surgery websites- and I see these people who have had this done, and the dramatic weight loss they have had, and how good they look. Will I look at good? Will I lose too much weight and look too skinny?
Something stuck out to me from a movie, I don’t remember what movie it was from. But a woman was talking about her friend who lost a lot of weight. She said, “Poor thing lost all that weight and turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face.” (Yes, Mom. I know I have a pretty face.) I don’t even know why I bring this up- I just keep hearing it in my mind.
I guess my point is that I never really started thinking of how I could look thin, until now. I never thought I could ever be thin, or even close to it. I always knew that if I ever did lose weight, i’d still be big. I know i’ll never be a size 4- and I don’t want to be. I’d be happy being a size 16. I don’t mind being a plus size woman. I like having curves and I don’t need to wear a bikini to be happy. I just want to be slimmer then I am, comfortable in my own skin. Not everyone wants to look like a model.
Recently, a plus size woman won something on one of those dance reality shows. I don’t watch reality shows (they are whats wrong with this world) but I heard her give a speech after she won, and it was played on a radio station I enjoy. She said you can do anything you can put your mind to, no matter what size you are. ( Well that’s just not true. If you are 500 lbs, you probably can’t go for a jog for miles, but I get where she is coming from. )When I heard her say that though, I had a big of an identity crisis. I have always prided myself on having curves, being a woman who looked like a woman, and not a boy. If I have this surgery, will I lose that? Will I lose too much weight and lose this plus size comradery that I have had my whole life. I look up to people like Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifah and Jill Scott. They don’t let how they look deter them. And they are beautiful successful woman. I have always wanted to be them to not let my weight hinder me in any way. But it has. I am probably not a famous actress right now BECAUSE I am so uncomfortable with my body and how I look. But how will this change me as a person?
When you are big your whole life, you don’t ever see yourself as thin. But what happens when it is in your grasp? Do all your dreams come true? Or do you regret it? Do you lose yourself in this new image, or do you blossom into the real you, the you that you could never be before?
I guess the only way to find out is to take that leap and hope for the best.
I think I’m going to leap.
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