I am exhausted.
I have my first consultation today with my surgeon and I am very anxious. I could not sleep last night, I am not sure if it was just from my anxiety or just one of those nights. I went to bed at 930, and kept waking up. I am really not sure how many hours I got, I remember trying to go to sleep around 10, waking up around 11:30, then midnight, then 4am. So hopefully I got a few hours, but it is leaving me very tired. I can’t even drink my coffee because I am feeling so nauseous.
I am not even all that sure what I am anxious about- It is just a consultation, not the actual surgery. I just don’t like the unexpected. I don’t like not knowing what is about to happen. I am just grateful that my boyfriend is coming with me; I want him to hear the things the doctor tells me, because I still don’t think he realizes how much this is going to change our lives. We are big foodies, and I don’t think that will change per say but how and what we eat will change for sure.
I keep going back and forth about all of this. I was talking to my mom over the weekend and she was telling me sometimes people end up being lactose intolerant. This would be the most horrible thing if this happened to me- I LOVE milk and cheese. My boyfriend and I drink at least a gallon of milk a week if not more. Its stuff like this that makes me question my decision.
I think another reason I am questioning myself is the few people that have questioned me as well. They keep putting doubt in my mind that this is the right decision. I am done with people trying to sway me into different things. If this weren’t a public blog, I’d go off right about it right now, because that is my mood at the moment. I actually had an entire paragraph all typed out, but deleted it instead. I’ll just say one thing: if you think you know better than I do, please keep your negative comments about MY decision to yourself. I am done hearing about it. (It’s really sad that I have to continue to say this, isn’t it?)
On a different note, I wanted to give a huge thank you to all of those who have given me so much support. Luckily, there have been more supportive people then negative, times 10!! Friends that I haven’t talked to in 10 years are reaching out to me to show their support. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Even with all this support, there are many things I am still worried about. For example, I am worried setting my surgery date. My mom buying her plane tickets to come and say with me for the first week. I am very worried something will happen and we’ll have to change it for some reason or another. I have to fit all of these appointments in before I am approved, and with my work schedule, I don’t know if I will be able to get them all done in time. I am thinking of scheduling the surgery out a bit just to make sure I get everything done first, it will also give my mom time to take off work and get a decent price on her tickets.
The anxiety on everything just keeps building and building. What if this and what if that. I need to start taking Yoga classes again just to calm the hell down. I can’t turn my brain off or calm the physical reactions I have to this anxiety. I get like this usually before I travel, in fear of being late and missing my plane. Or if I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone or something like that. But today it is just unruly I can’t calm myself down.
I seriously need a fucking Xanax.
I have my first consultation today with my surgeon and I am very anxious. I could not sleep last night, I am not sure if it was just from my anxiety or just one of those nights. I went to bed at 930, and kept waking up. I am really not sure how many hours I got, I remember trying to go to sleep around 10, waking up around 11:30, then midnight, then 4am. So hopefully I got a few hours, but it is leaving me very tired. I can’t even drink my coffee because I am feeling so nauseous.
I am not even all that sure what I am anxious about- It is just a consultation, not the actual surgery. I just don’t like the unexpected. I don’t like not knowing what is about to happen. I am just grateful that my boyfriend is coming with me; I want him to hear the things the doctor tells me, because I still don’t think he realizes how much this is going to change our lives. We are big foodies, and I don’t think that will change per say but how and what we eat will change for sure.
I keep going back and forth about all of this. I was talking to my mom over the weekend and she was telling me sometimes people end up being lactose intolerant. This would be the most horrible thing if this happened to me- I LOVE milk and cheese. My boyfriend and I drink at least a gallon of milk a week if not more. Its stuff like this that makes me question my decision.
I think another reason I am questioning myself is the few people that have questioned me as well. They keep putting doubt in my mind that this is the right decision. I am done with people trying to sway me into different things. If this weren’t a public blog, I’d go off right about it right now, because that is my mood at the moment. I actually had an entire paragraph all typed out, but deleted it instead. I’ll just say one thing: if you think you know better than I do, please keep your negative comments about MY decision to yourself. I am done hearing about it. (It’s really sad that I have to continue to say this, isn’t it?)
On a different note, I wanted to give a huge thank you to all of those who have given me so much support. Luckily, there have been more supportive people then negative, times 10!! Friends that I haven’t talked to in 10 years are reaching out to me to show their support. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Even with all this support, there are many things I am still worried about. For example, I am worried setting my surgery date. My mom buying her plane tickets to come and say with me for the first week. I am very worried something will happen and we’ll have to change it for some reason or another. I have to fit all of these appointments in before I am approved, and with my work schedule, I don’t know if I will be able to get them all done in time. I am thinking of scheduling the surgery out a bit just to make sure I get everything done first, it will also give my mom time to take off work and get a decent price on her tickets.
The anxiety on everything just keeps building and building. What if this and what if that. I need to start taking Yoga classes again just to calm the hell down. I can’t turn my brain off or calm the physical reactions I have to this anxiety. I get like this usually before I travel, in fear of being late and missing my plane. Or if I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone or something like that. But today it is just unruly I can’t calm myself down.
I seriously need a fucking Xanax.
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