“Turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face”

I can’t picture myself thin.

Being big all your life, you tend to only know yourself as big. I’ve been less big, and after looking at photo’s of myself, I see how much bigger I have gotten. But I can’t picture myself being thinner than I am right now. It boggles my mind. Right now- I am in between size 20 and 22. I’ve maintained that for about a year- and I’ve lost about 20 lbs since my highest weight. I obviously am not where I want to be.

These are the most recent photo’s of me that are actually full body photo’s. There are not a lot of these out there.

I don’t really know where I am going with this. I was looking at other people on the weight loss surgery websites- and I see these people who have had this done, and the dramatic weight loss they have had, and how good they look. Will I look at good? Will I lose too much weight and look too skinny?

Something stuck out to me from a movie, I don’t remember what movie it was from. But a woman was talking about her friend who lost a lot of weight. She said, “Poor thing lost all that weight and turns out, she really doesn’t have a pretty face.” (Yes, Mom. I know I have a pretty face.) I don’t even know why I bring this up- I just keep hearing it in my mind.

I guess my point is that I never really started thinking of how I could look thin, until now. I never thought I could ever be thin, or even close to it. I always knew that if I ever did lose weight, i’d still be big. I know i’ll never be a size 4- and I don’t want to be. I’d be happy being a size 16. I don’t mind being a plus size woman. I like having curves and I don’t need to wear a bikini to be happy. I just want to be slimmer then I am, comfortable in my own skin. Not everyone wants to look like a model.

Recently, a plus size woman won something on one of those dance reality shows. I don’t watch reality shows (they are whats wrong with this world) but I heard her give a speech after she won, and it was played on a radio station I enjoy. She said you can do anything you can put your mind to, no matter what size you are. ( Well that’s just not true. If you are 500 lbs, you probably can’t go for a jog for miles, but I get where she is coming from. )When I heard her say that though, I had a big of an identity crisis. I have always prided myself on having curves, being a woman who looked like a woman, and not a boy. If I have this surgery, will I lose that? Will I lose too much weight and lose this plus size comradery that I have had my whole life. I look up to people like Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifah and Jill Scott. They don’t let how they look deter them. And they are beautiful successful woman. I have always wanted to be them to not let my weight hinder me in any way. But it has. I am probably not a famous actress right now BECAUSE I am so uncomfortable with my body and how I look. But how will this change me as a person?

When you are big your whole life, you don’t ever see yourself as thin. But what happens when it is in your grasp? Do all your dreams come true? Or do you regret it? Do you lose yourself in this new image, or do you blossom into the real you, the you that you could never be before?

I guess the only way to find out is to take that leap and hope for the best.
I think I’m going to leap.

Think Fast!

Next week is the weight loss surgery seminar that my friend Meaghan wants me to go to. It is supposed to be very informational and it will answer a lot of questions that I still have about the surgery.

I have given my self until the seminar to make my decision on if I am going to have the surgery or not. I want to be well-informed before making the decision. Becides the books I have read and the personal relationship I have with two people who had the RNY gastric bypass, I have started to go on support sites. I am apart of one Facebook support site, and I have also been toying with the idea of looking for a gastric bypass forum to read more about the struggles real people are going through. While I find the success stories wonderful, I am more interested in the struggles. I want to know what I am getting myself into. I don’t want to go into this thinking this is going to be a miracle and that it is going to be easy. I want to know how hard it is going to be, how much work it is going to be, otherwise it would be like going in blind. I think I have an advantage over some people, because I really do know a lot. I am also an obsessive researcher and I need to know all of the information FIRST. I have a feeling I scare the shit out of myself more then keep myself informed.

I am really nervous about telling people, and how they are going to react. Everyone I have told so far has been very supportive, but I don’t know what they are really thinking. Do they think I am taking the easy way out? Will they look at me differently? I don’t want anyone to think that I have no self-control, or that I am lazy. I work out, I do Zumba- I eat right. I have worked very hard to try to lose weight and maintain a weight loss. But isn’t necessarily about being thin. It’s about being healthy, feeling comfortable, and being able to live my life as long as I can.

I am pretty sure I am a hypochondriac and I worry constantly about my health and if I am going to die. I worry about having a heart attack because I am overweight. My blood pressure medication makes my heart race from time to time, and I lay in bed thinking, “Nate (my boyfriend) is going to find me dead in the morning because I am going to have a heart attack, right now.” Obviously, I am fine. But I still worry.

I also really want to be able to hike and mountain climb easier. Nate and I are outdoorsy, and I am always hesitant to go on a hike or anything too strenuous because I am so embarrassed by how out of breath I am. Physically, I can do it. But I am huffing and puffing the whole way, and it isn’t enjoyable when I am gasping for breath the entire time. I want to be able to hike up to a mountain peak and be able to think about how beautiful it is up there, rather than to take in as much air as possible before I pass out.
I really have to start thinking fast. I will be making up my mind about the rest of my life in a week.



But before I do that, I am going to stuff my face with Thankgiving dinner, possibly for the last time.


Gobble Gobble!!

The Millennium Force

I want to be able to ride roller coasters again.

I am originally from Michigan- and every Michigander loves going to Cedar Point in Ohio-, which is by far the best theme park in the USA. (Yes, THE best) One of my favorite roller coasters there is called The Millennium Force. It opened in the year 2000, and I have ridden it at least a dozen times. The coaster has a 310 ft., 45 degree inclined lift hill with a 300 ft. drop, and features two tunnels, three over-banked tunnels and four hills. It has a top speed of about 93 mph- And, there is only a seat belt holding you in. The best is sitting in the front seat, seeing your entire life pass you by.

The last time I was at Cedar Point, I tried to ride this ride. I was stopped before I even got in line and was asked to sit in their mock chair to make sure the seat belt fit me. Can you imagine? “Uhm excuse me, I think you are too fat to ride this ride, could you embarrass yourself now in front of hundreds of people by trying to buckle this belt across your fat stomach?” I was mortified. My day was pretty much ruined at that point, and if I had been of drinking age, I would have done just that.

I am probably 50lbs bigger than I was when that happened. I know why they did it- because they don’t want people waiting in a long line only to be told they can’t ride it- they think it’s less embarrassing to do it at the front of the line, then at the end. I get all this. But I never want that to happen again.

I want to go back to that roller coaster, and be able to enter the line without being stopped. I don’t want to be the standard of people that can’t ride the roller coaster.
I want to feel comfortable in an airplane- Because most of my flights are very short, I usually have to fly on “puddle jumpers.” This means it’s a very small plane, usually only two rows of two, and the seat belts apparently are only to be worn by children (this is fat humor at its finest people.) This also means the chairs are smaller. I HATE having to sit next to people. I always try to sit by the window and try to keep my legs as far from the person next to me as I can. I find myself trying to fold my body into the corner of the window so I don’t spill into the other persons’ seat. My entire body is so tense the entire flight; I can’t relax unless I am sitting alone.

I want to wear SHORTS! And TANK TOPS! and BOOTS! OMG how much I want to wear a pair of boots that goes over my calf. I have tried on so many wide calf boots, and none of them fit. I hate having to wear ankle boots or having to bunch my boots up under my calf.

I want to be able to wear clothes without something sucking me in every day. I have to wear a shape wear tank top every day just to feel comfortable- like I know nothing is spilling out or causing rolls. In the summer, I sweat so much because how many layers I have to wear just to feel comfortable.
I want to be able to look back at my wedding and my wedding photos and feel like I was beautiful- and not regret the photos that were taken- and not think; could I have gotten a different dress, if only I were thinner?

Can I look like this?

I stood up in my cousins wedding while in college. This was during a time where I felt really good about myself, and I thought I looked really good. During the photographs, the photographer kept putting one of the thinner girls in front of me, and I knew why he was doing it. The girl he kept putting in front of me didn’t, and she kept moving over so she didn’t block me. He actually EXPLAINED to her “You see how when I put someone in front of me, I don’t look as big? That is what I am trying to do here.” I have never been more humiliated in my life. After they were done taking photos, I went into the bathroom and balled my eyes out. My mom found out, and ripped the photographer a new one. He apologized, being a big man himself, it wasn’t his intention to hurt me; he was just trying to get the other bridesmaid to stay where he put her.

People shouldn’t have to go through things like this. Life shouldn’t be dictated by how big you are. I can’t go hiking with people other than my boyfriend because I am very self-conscious about how hard I breathe. I can’t have photos taken of me because it just reminds me how fat I am. I can’t get pregnant because I am just perpetuating the fat epidemic. I can’t wear boots because they don’t fit. I can’t buy regular shoes because my feet are so wide. I can’t ride a roller coaster. I am so sick of CAN’T.


I want to take control of my life. And I think this surgery is going to be the start of that.

This is Scary.

 

I just decided to get myself a new blog. I spent like three hours trying to figure out the layout and everything, and I still don’t like it- but it will do for now. I am not what people would call “tech savvy.”

To preface my next post, I need to explain a little bit about my personal life. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and living together for almost 5. Eventually we will get married, until then I consider his family my in-laws even if legally they are not.

So the other night, my boyfriend and I were at his grandparents’ house, along with my boyfriend’s brother and his wife. His grandparents have sold their house and wanted us to take some stuff so they can get rid of it. While we were alone, I told my sister-in-law I was thinking about having a gastric bypass. She said to me, “Wow, That’s scary.”

This is scary. Not even considering everything I have to do BEFORE the surgery, the surgery itself seems scary. My mom had explained it to me while she was going through hers, and I didn’t do a lot of research until now because I was already afraid of her going into the surgery. Basically, they cut the bottom of your stomach off, and make a little pouch out of the top part. Then they reroute the small intestine to the pouch

I have never had surgery before, unless you count my wisdom teeth. I know it is all done laparoscopically, but it is scary thinking of people routing around in my innards. I know they will have to put me under, which is scary. You could never wake up, you could stop breathing, you could have an allergic reaction and possibly die. That is just from the anesthesia. After the surgery, you could have an infection or something else could go wrong. They literally have pages of things that could happen to you.

I know all of these things that could happen are a very small percentage. Lots of people have this surgery and are perfectly fine- My mom for instance and my friend Meaghan. I know I can’t continue to dwell on the negative, but being able to write about it is the best therapy.

The more I think about it, the more I am thinking I do want to have the surgery. All of the risks and things that I am afraid of really don’t outweight the benefits of the surgery. Pro’s and Con’s list to follow!

Meaghan Just Wants Pizza Hut

My good friend Meaghan had her RNY Gastric Bypass in September of 2013. She has had a hard time with food, especially lately as she is transitioning into solid food. As she is starting to feel hunger again, she has cravings for things she can’t have, like Pizza Hut Pizza. I don’t think that there has been a day this week that she hasn’t talked about Pizza Hut pizza and that all she wants to do is eat an entire pizza pie. Portions are starting to frustrate her. When she finds something she likes, she wants to eat a lot of it (as all of us do) and she can’t. She had just read another post on my blog yesterday, and she typed this to me (we were talking VIA IM at work)

“So, some day you may have pasta again, and you may be able to eat all of those yummy things.. but its not the same. Imagine going from a BOWL of pasta to 2 fork fulls broken down into strand size bites… its SOOOO frustrating! I just want to pick up a slice of pizza and devour it and NOT get the tightness in my chest or the nausea feeling. I miss THAT!”
I thought about that a lot for the rest of my day. I know eating a lot of food is probably my major downfall when it comes to losing weight. I have always struggled with portion control, and I know that when I did Weight Watchers 500 times, that I really had to be meticulous with my portions and measuring. It was horrific to see the serving size I was supposed to be eating compared to that I had been eating. Through out the last year or so, I have really been paying attention to my portions and trying to lessen them. I do eat a lot less then I used to, and that has contributed to my 20lb weight loss. But two bites of food, how can you SURVIVE? (enter dramatic music here)

This was only for three people

I remember recently having a conversation with my Mom about this. My boyfriend, my mom and I all went out to have sushi. Not realizing how much sushi we actually ordered, we were surprised when the waiter came out with a BOAT of sushi. As we are eating, my mom probably had four pieces, and she knew she was full, and was frustrated because she wanted more, it was SO good. But she knew she was satisfied, and enjoyed the sushi that she could eat. I want to get to that point with food- To have a little, enjoy it fully, and feel satisfied.

(One little positive tidbit I want to interject is that my mom has to take home everything she orders from a restaurant. Since she still can’t eat a lot- she takes half of it home and eats it the next day. It’s like two meals for one. That wouldnt’ be that bad. Plus, I’d probably save a boatload of money on groceries.)

So I was mulling all of this over yesterday during the day, then had Zumba after work. So last night my boyfriend made me dinner (he is such a good cook) because I was getting home late after working out. We recently found this yellow saffron rice that we love. (Rice is probably one of my favorite foods, I could eat it every day) This rice tastes so good I could eat just that. But I decided I would challenged myself only to eat a little bit, not quite as small of a portion as I would be able to eat if I had the surgery- but smaller then normal. I couldn’t stop myself from having one more spoonful while I was putting the leftovers away for my lunch tomorrow. I was going to have it for lunch the next day, and I couldn’t help myself from having just one more bite. Seriously???

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably pop my pouch if I have this surgery because I can’t control my eating habits-

Okay well maybe not- but again these are the things I think about. Can I handle only having 3-5 oz of Thanksgiving dinner?

Believe it or not, this is a small Thanksgiving dinner for us

Also- it will really suck having to pay the same amount for everyone else, especially for things like hibachi and buffets when I am only eating a tiny bit. They should have Gastric Bypass specials. Why should I be discriminated against- I want food equality!!! (No, I won’t go storming to congress with this, but think about it!)

Can I give this up?

Some people don’t realize everything they have to give up once they have this surgery- These are the things I think about often. As a fat chick, I love food. I considered going to culinary school after high school, but decided that a Theater and English degree was the smarter decision (enter sarcasm here.)

One of the main things I am going to miss is desserts- one of my favorite desserts is triple chocolate cake with my Grandma’s homemade buttercream frosting- and by buttercream frosting, I mean frosting that is made out of sugar, crisco, and butter. I could eat gallons of this stuff. In my boyfriends family, we eat a lot of apple pie- that is his mother’s specialty- and it is loaded with sugar. And brownies, oh the brownies. 
 

The other main issue I am having to deal with is the possibility of not being able to eat pasta. My dad’s side of the family is Italian, and my boyfriend’s family thinks they are Italian, so we eat a lot of pasta. This is a staple in my house, and has been since I can remember. I just recently learned how to make homemade spaghetti sauce and I love it. Granted- I know I’d at least be able to eat the meatballs- but I want PASTA!
 

My mom can have some kinds of pasta now, but it isn’t the same. I could be fine with pasta, who knows. But that’s the point- I won’t know until I have the surgery- I won’t know how I will react to certain things, and being the control freak that I am is scared of the unknown. What if my favorite things now make me sick?
 

The biggest disappointment I have found, is that even three years later, my mom still occasionally feels icky after having my dad’s barbecue sauce. This is the best sauce you will ever have- it reminds me of Sweet Baby Ray’s- just to get your juices flowing here. But it is LOADED with brown sugar. I put this stuff on EVERYTHING- chicken, pork, ribs, pulled pork, WHITE RICE (yes, it’s weird, but it’s SO delicious)
 

Food is a big part of my life. It isn’t just to live off of, this is what we base all of our social gatherings around, what we base our holidays off of, and I cook for pleasure. Will this surgery take that away from me? Will I hate to cook because I can no longer enjoy the things I used to? Or, will this open my eyes to new things?

This is the question I keep asking myself: Is it worth it?

I Love Salt

I have high blood pressure.

I take medication for it that I hate due to the side effects (one being I have to pee ALL THE TIME.) One of the possibilities that I have high blood pressure is that both of my parents do. The other is my weight, and the fact that I love salt.
I LOVE salt. I put salt on everything! My father once told me he was going to get me a salt lick for Christmas. I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that he never has gotten me one.

I had to start a low sodium diet because of my blood pressure, and I absolutely hate it. Everything tastes bland. Occasionally when I decide to cheat, or if I have something that is very salty like Chinese food, my heart will beat super-fast, and it will not stop for hours. Due to this and other heart related issues, I had to wear a Holter Monitor for 48 hours. This was the most miserable 48 hours of my life. I couldn’t shower, and I had wires attached to my body in 5 different places, I had to keep the monitor in my bra and sleep with it there, I had no shirts that would hide the stickers on my body so I had to wear scarves, and to top it all off, I had an allergic reaction to whatever goop they put on the stickers. I had welts on my body for a month. After all of this, they found NOTHING wrong with me. THIS IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE! I think this is a side effect from my blood pressure medication, because this never ever happened before.

Thinking that there is a possibility that I wouldn’t have to take this medication anymore, and my body wouldn’t overreact every time I had something salty, makes me want this surgery.

Thinking I could be a NORMAL sized bride, and not have to worry about covering my fat arms in my wedding dress, being able to actually TRY ON my wedding dress, and not having to settle because it was the only thing that fits me, makes me want this surgery.
The possibility that I could be normal sized when I get pregnant, and give my children a better possibility of not being obese makes me want this surgery.

Not feeling like people are staring at me makes me want to have this surgery.
Never having to wear that fucking Holter Monitor again makes me want to run to the surgeon right now and beg him to do it today.

Should I?

I am 27 years old, and I have been fat pretty much my whole life. From the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was overweight. I can’t remember a time not being fat, not being called fat, and not having people look at me thinking how fat I was. I tried to maintain my weight, going on every diet I could, eating right, trying to exercise. Sometimes I would lose weight, other times I wouldn’t budge. I have tried Atkins, cabbage soup diet, Weight Watchers, the grape fruit diet, and so many other diets I am embarrassed to admit I tried them. Each time I’d lose some weight; sometimes I even lost a lot of weight. But I would always gain it back- plus some. There was a time in college that I lost 35 lbs. and kept it off for a year and a half. That’s my biggest success story.

Being fat isn’t the same as being thin- when you are fat, you are always self-aware. You always know where your pants are so you can pull them back up so a roll doesn’t pop out. You are mindful of what you say so people still like you. Your shirt is always pulled down, your chin is always up, and you almost never wear shorts or tank-tops in public. Eating in public is an ordeal. You want to eat what everyone else is eating, but you feel like they will stare at you and say, “Oh, she’s fat; of course she is going to eat that.” Or if you choose something healthy, people are thinking, “Oh poor fat girl, she is trying.” I would just like to eat what I am going to eat and not be judged for it.

My mother was also overweight all her life, and watching her struggle put my weight into perspective when I was very young. Getting dressed was going to set the mood of the day, if my mom couldn’t find anything to wear; I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. A little over three years ago, my mom had a Gastric Bypass. She has lost 99 lbs. and has ran two 5k’s. I have never seen her happier, and I couldn’t be prouder of her success.
As happy as I am for my mom, and although she still struggles with her weight and wanting to lose more, I feel alone in my own struggle. Before, I had someone with me while I dieted, a buddy that understood what it was like to be plus sized. She can shop in the regular size section now, and I am alone to find fat clothes by myself.

A few weeks ago, a friend from work had a Gastric Bypass- I have thought about it before, but didn’t know if I wanted to change my life so drastically, or if I could afford it. After finding out that I can get financial aid for the 20% that I have to pay for the surgery, and even for my co-pays, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel- but then I thought- can I give up everything I love about food to shop in the regular size section?

Many people think a Gastric Bypass is the easy way out, that because I have no self-control or that I am lazy that I can’t lose weight. I would like to tell those people that they have no idea what I have struggled with my ENTIRE LIFE. I work out three to four times a week doing Zumba, I eat healthy, I eat fruits and veggies and try to lower my carb intake- I DO all of these things. I have been stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks. I go up or down a pound or two, but I have been staying consistent. While staying consistent means I am not gaining, I am still heavier then I want to be when I hit a plateau. Based on my genetics and my health complications, I have a very small percentage of losing all the weight I want and keeping it off.

So I start thinking, should I get the surgery? Can I change my entire life to be healthy? I know the limitations I will be under if I get it. Protein first, very small portions, I can’t drink out of a straw, no sugar, NO SODA! There are also medication limitations, like I can no longer have Aleve or Advil- this is a huge thing for me due to chronic headaches. I won’t be able to have kids for 18 months. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married and have children in the next couple years, and that puts a bit of a stink on my time line- It also means I probably won’t be able to have a child before I am 30 (yes, I realize this may not be a big deal to some people, but I always wanted to have my first child before I was 30 for my own personal reasons.) So if I start now, it could take me 6 months until I even have the surgery, then another 18 months on top of that. And then there is a the issue, do I really want to have a baby after I lose all this weight? I might gain all of it back, and then I may have ruined my surgery.

I have read a couple books on the surgery, and a few blogs about how people are doing after the surgery- but I found nothing on someone struggling with the decision- should I or shouldn’t I? Can I lose the weight without it? Can I keep it off? Will I ever get down to the weight I desire without the surgery? What if I stretch my stomach back out? What if I have to do the surgery again? What happens if my skin doesn’t bounce back, or if my boobs will be saggy- I don’t want plastic surgery-

Here is the big question: Can I do it and keep the weight off? Will it be worth it? Will I get everything I have ever wanted, or will I regret it?