2 Weeks!

Tomorrow marks two weeks until my surgery.

Right now I am in the process of getting everything ready. I am making lists upon lists of things I need to do at home, buy for after surgery, and pack for my stay at the hospital. I bought my protein powder, I have a plan for my supplements, I have a list of items to buy for the first few weeks I am out. Not to mention trying to get my house in order. I want to make sure it is as clean as it can get so I don’t have to do much in the first few weeks. Nate and I finally cleaned our garage out and I am getting all of my skinny clothes ready to wear again! But I am FAR from ready.

I am also trying to split my time into trying to get as much overtime as possible since I’ll be getting sick pay for a month and no overtime. But I also need to be home to take care of the things I need to do there. I can’t get a day off from work at all because we are so busy. So I basically only have 3 full days to get done what I need to get done. I need at least a week.

So I am feeling a lot of anxiety because of all this. I am still not sleeping well, and I am now having some bad dreams.

Last night I had a dream I didn’t wake up from anesthesia. I could see my parents and my boyfriend when they were telling them, and how upset and lost they looked. When I woke up I was pretty upset and shaken up. I was talking to my friend Meaghan about it, and she basically said to me that God has a plan for me, and that plan is not to go through all this only to die. And if it’s my time to go, it doesn’t matter what I am doing that day, it will happen regardless.

I sat at my desk and thought about that for a while. I decided what I had to do; I had to give my worry to God. I need to put this in His hands and take this worry from me. Think of it as a “Jesus Take the Wheel” moment. I took a few deep breaths and I prayed right there.

I pray to God- not as much as I used to, but I still do. I believe in Him, even if I have a question of faith every once in a while. The only constant I have, and the one thing that I truly believe is that there is a God, and He hears us. This isn’t a post about religion or anything controversial. But I feel a lot better after I gave it to him. I still have anxiety about it. I mean- I am about to change my entire life! Everyone is going to have a little anxiety about it. But I just need to figure out how to not have it affect my life.

I am trying to stay positive about everything, and trying to remember that this is a GOOD thing. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by everything going on in the next two weeks. So if you believe, pray for my sanity!

So Close!

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated everyone, I have been stressed to the max over here! A lot is happening in a short amount of time, and I am very excited and also very NERVOUS.

I had my sleep study a few weeks ago. I had a beautiful room and wonderful nurses. They hooked me up to a shit ton of wires, and told me to sleep with them stuck all over me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well. I tossed and turned most of the night, and had to take ALL the wires with me. The nurse told me I did sleep some, so luckily I won’t have to do that again.

Seriously, could you sleep in this?


My follow up went well. I was told I do have a mild case of sleep apnea, but it’s not severe enough to warrant a c-pap machine. The Doctor told me it should go away after the surgery, and I’ll sleep much better.

I had to get a breath test done to make sure I don’t have any bacteria in my stomach. I had to blow into a bag, and cap it, than drink this super sweet/tart drink, wait 15 minutes, then blow into another bag. Still waiting for the results of that.

My pre-op was just on friday with the PA Tyler (who is ADORABLE btw). He was super sweet to me, answered all of my questions, and it was really helpful. Before I had my appointment, I was really stressed out and feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to get everything done that I needed to get done. I hadn’t bought anything for after surgery and was getting nervous. Now, I am still nervous, but he really calmed me down and helped me realize the important things to get, and to not worry about everything else.

I still have a ton of work to do in my house. I don’t want to have to do a lot of housework while I am unable to lift and exert myself, so I am trying to get everything done in the three weeks that I have. I am more nervous about getting that stuff done, and about after the surgery right now than I am about the actual surgery. I told Tyler they were going to have to give me some Xanax or something to calm me down the day of, because I am going to be a wreck!

I am already feeling a lot of anxiety. I look at my calendar and realize how quick the surgery is coming, I get butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t been sleeping very well at all either. I am trying to balance my time between trying to get as much overtime as possible, and being home to get my house in order. I still have a garage to clean out, boxes to unpack in that garage (from THREE years ago, mind you) and go through all my smaller clothes. That’s the main reason for the garage clean out, I have a ton of clothing from when I was thinner and I need to see what I want to keep, and what I want to give away. The more clothing I can keep the less I have to spend money on, and right now that’s the goal.

I am trying hard to do things to get ready for after surgery. I am trying to drink without a straw (it’s a lot harder than it seems), to not drink during my meals, and to chew chew chew chew. I feel like if I can get used to this now, it will be easier after my surgery.

It doesn’t seem real yet I guess. It may not until I am actually in the hospital. Hell, it may not seem real until I am in a smaller pair of jeans. I just know now more than ever how happy I am that I made this choice. I am excited to feel better, get healthier, and to really live. I can’t wait

I am Beautiful

Just wanted to give everyone an update on whats going on. It’s slow-moving right now just waiting for everything to be done and my surgery to be here.

I still have a few more things to take care of. I had two pulmonary appointments for a breathing test and a follow-up to see if I need a sleep study- I do. I will have my sleep study on June 20th. I still have to go get a breathing test to make sure I don’t have a bacteria infection in my stomach. (apparently, after my endoscopy they were supposed to give me an antibiotic to prevent this, and since they didn’t give that to me, I have to be tested.) I will probably have a few pre-op appointments I’m sure- I have one in July already set up.

The more I think about the date I was given, I think it actually works out well. I will be able to have my summer to have fun, go fishing and camping, hiking, and say goodbye to food that I won’t be able to have for a while. I will be able to get in tune with me and my body, to work out and build some muscle before my surgery, and just prepare. I think my after surgery weight loss will go much better if I try now. I want to be as successful as it can be, I don’t want to take any chances.

I see these other woman who are the same size or larger than me, and the way they look is so amazing. I can’t even picture myself that thin. I think the last time I was under 200 pounds was my freshman year of high school. I don’t even know what that looks like.

But I keep trying to picture it. I know it’s a bit vain, and that the purpose of this is to be healthy, not to be skinny, but isn’t mental health important too? If I don’t like the way I look after my surgery, I think that is going to be a problem. I’ve found that some woman after surgery are more critical of their bodies after they’ve lost 100 lbs then they were before they lost it. I have always tried to find the beauty in my own body, if I didn’t I would be mess of low self-esteem. I was always good at finding things that look good on me, but I’m not gonna lie, it is going to be a plus being able to shop in the “regular” section.

I just want to be comfortable.

Everyday I wear a “spanx” type tank top, so I can suck some of me in, even in the summer. I never wear tank tops and I rarely wear shorts, so I’m always hot. This past weekend I was wearing a tank top fishing, and when we left the lake we decided to go shopping. I was so self-conscious about my tank top I bought a t-shirt to wear.

Seriously, who wants to wear a t-shirt on a lake as beautiful as this? I want some SUN!



I hate to put a bathing suit on, and I usually wear something over it unless I’m swimming, so I’m always hot. I constantly have to change positions if I’m sitting, laying down, or even standing. I am never really comfortable. My feet and ankles always hurt, I am weary of plastic chairs in fear I will break one. I hate folding camp chairs because the posts always dig into my legs. I never wear heels, and if I do they are very low.

So this is what I am going to strive for, to not feel like this anymore. I am not doing this to be hot, or to look good (it’s a bonus though.) I just want to feel comfortable with myself.

I am frustrated by people who say/think I am doing this because of my looks, or that this is a vanity surgery. Getting plastic surgery that isn’t medically necessary is vanity surgery, and even then, whats wrong with trying to feel good about yourself? I am doing this for a lot reasons, But the main reasons are for health, comfort, and my future children’s health. I am beautiful now, and I know I don’t need this surgery to find beauty within me.

I will continue to tell myself that no matter what happens, I am beautiful.

I can never get ahead…

Well my post for today was very different until I found out some upsetting information.

 

I got my approval letter in the mail for financial assistance through the hospital. I didn’t really understand everything it was saying, so I called today to have it explained to me. My friend I work with, Meaghan, was able to get assistance with the cost of the surgery and only had to pay about $225 for it. Since our insurance states that we must pay 20% (up to $3000) of the surgery cost, I was very excited about this and it was basically why I decided to have the surgery, otherwise couldn’t afford it.

 

So today I called to find out more about it, and what I would be covered for. I found out that 1. The coverage changed from last year, and it isn’t as good. 2. Everything is based on your income and family size 3. This is basically like applying for additional insurance.

 

The letter I got had a breakdown of what my deductible or % would be through that specific hospital based on what I made. Because I make less than Meaghan, we thought the covered would be better. What we didn’t think of is that she has a child, thus making her family size 2, not 1 like me.

 

This is a photo of that breakdown-

 

 

If you look down by the bottom, it says “Inpatient Admission” and next to it, it says $8800. That’s MY portion of my surgery. So if my insurance was worse than that, I’d only have to pay $8800. It isn’t, so basically this is NO help to me what-so-ever.

 

The woman I spoke with told me that last year, they only had 3 tiers, and even if I qualified for tier 3, I’d only have to pay $450, but because of all the changes, this probably wouldn’t help me very much if I have my own insurance. Now they have 6 tiers, 6 being the worst coverage, and 1 being the best. I’m tier 5. I don’t even want to know what tier 6 is.

 

So I called my insurance company and found out what I have to pay. My insurance has a $500 deductible, and then I have to pay 20%, up to an aggregate total of $3000. So all of my oop expenses that I have will add up throughout the year (co-pays, and such) and once I hit 3000, I don’t have to pay anymore. I have already paid $660.00, so I’ll probably owe the hospital another $2800.

 

Basically the entire reason why I thought I could do this surgery and why I started is because I thought I would have help. I honestly and truly cannot afford to have ANOTHER debt hanging over my head. I am so frustrated. Nate and I were finally getting on track with all of our finances, things were really looking up. We consolidated our debt and were working to pay it off so we can buy some land next year and start building our house. Our rent has increased and everything is becoming too expensive, and that is why we wanted to start building our house so we had less money going out. But in order to build our house, we have to pay down our debt and save some money for a down payment. It’s like a vicious cycle.

 

I feel so defeated. We have this huge debt to pay and it’s too late for me to back out. The only thing that made me feel better is when I talked to Nate. He told me we have come too far, and have gone though 8 months of frustration and agony to back out now. Plus, there is a reason I am doing it and money shouldn’t hinder that. I really do love him a lot, without him I think I would have had a major break down. He is so supportive and I am so thankful for him.

 

I just need to continue to be positive and remember why I am doing this.

August 6th, 2014

After all my bitching, complaining, frustrations, hard work, dieting, and phone calls, I FINALLY have gotten my surgery date and have been APPROVED!! This last process has taken almost a MONTH just to get my approval date. I had my last appointment on April 14th, where I got my final approval. It took them almost a month to fax paperwork.

There are a lot of emotions going through my head right now- the first one is disappointment. I know I know- I’ve been waiting for this since January, I should be excited! But I am disappointed because it’s not earlier, and it could have been if my paperwork was faxed in a timely manner. I wanted it earlier in the summer so I could heal before a lot of other things that are coming up in the fall, and I wanted to be able to start hiking and doing more active things this summer. But- I will be losing a bit more weight before the surgery, so being active this summer will help do that. So I will try to stay positive.

I am VERY excited too- because I have waited for this for a while, and I can’t believe it is really happening. I DO feel like a huge weight has been lifted and like I can finally relax and get my stuff together. I have exactly 3 months to get everything I need, organize my life, and prepare. But I’m also really nervous. About the surgery itself, the pain, the life changing experience. As soon as I found out my date, I instantly got butterflies in my stomach and was nervous. I really don’t know how I’ll be once they are actually prepping me for surgery. I’ll probably need to be tranq’d.


In other news:
Tuesday, one of my best friends, Kelly, had her Gastric Bypass. I went to visit her at the hospital that day to see how she was, and to spend some time with her. She was just glowing, it’s the only way I can really describe her. She was so happy and excited, like she knew only good things were going to happen from that point forward. She said to me, “I feel so great! I woke up, and I said ‘Wow, it really happened. No one can deny me, no one can take it away. It actually happened. I did it.”

A few days later, she is in a bit of pain, and she gets to go home today, but I know her thoughts haven’t changed. She still feels great despite the pain, her doctor and nurses said how amazing she is doing, and I am so happy and proud for her. I PRAY that I do HALF as well as she has done.

I feel so lucky to have these amazing woman in my life who have been able to experience this before me, so I can learn from them and they can guide me into the next stage of life. Not many people going through this process can say that not only do that have an amazing support system, but they have multiple people who have had the surgery and can share their experiences. And even though this has been a long process, and continues to be a long process, I am very thankful that I am even able to do this. I hope the next three months will go quickly!

Update

Well there really isn’t an update, because nothing new has happened. My surgeons office SAID they sent the paperwork to the insurance company, but yet my insurance company hasn’t gotten it yet.

I’m about to scream.

I have a control issue. Anyone who knows me knows this; I like having control, I like being the boss, I want to just do it myself. And not being in control of this situation has cause me a lot of stress and anger that I just do not know how to deal with. How hard is it to fax paperwork??

I have to get all of my time off approved, but I need my date to do that. My mom needs to buy her plane tickets, but I need my date to do that. I need to know when I am going to be out of work, but AGAIN I need my date to do that. This entire this is centered around ONE MAN faxing my paperwork to my insurance company. I could do his job better if I went there TODAY to do it.

Trying to plan all of this has put some un-welcome thoughts into my brain. I have been thinking a lot about after the surgery and what my life is going to be like. One of the thoughts is- do I really want to do this? I know I went through this in the beginning and I have 500 pro’s and con’s lists to show my thought process. I just keep thinking, how long will it take for my life to go back to normal? Will I lose too much weight? Will I not lose enough? What if I have complications and this never works for me? These questions keep me up at night.

I haven’t really had any negative responses to my surgery, and I have been telling everyone. But I find that I’m asking myself the questions I dreaded being asked. Could I do this on my own? Is this really going to be worth it?

People who have had the surgery tell me it is worth it. But because I haven’t experienced it myself, I don’t know for sure.

I worry about my relationships. Will they look at me differently because I am smaller? Will some be jealous? Will they think I’m acting different? Will I act different? All I have had is this tight-knit support system, but what happens when that falls apart? Stories from other people’s experiences are creeping into my subconscious and it is making me freak out. I guess I just need to trust in my relationships and hope for the best.

I am sure all of you hate me asking these questions, maybe one day I’ll be able to answer them though. That’s the beauty of having this blog, I am able to look back and remember my struggle and my questions, and re-evaluate myself. I feel that self-reflection is what is going to give me strength through this whole process.

You can’t expect everything else to change if you don’t change yourself, and that means outside and in.

So I will just take a deep breath and call my surgeons office again until they send the paperwork.

I wish I knew...

During this whole process, I have been going on different bariatric post forums and Facebook groups, and I found something really interesting to me. One site had a compilation of everything they “wish they knew” before the surgery. I got a few myself from other people I know who have had the surgery and from the Facebook groups. Some of these are sad, some are inspirational, and some are just really funny.

I wanted to share these with all of you so you can see that this surgery hard, wonderful, and life changing.

I wish I knew…
how hard it would be to eat and get the protein in.
how hard it is to drink constantly.

I wish I had known not to overbuy the supplements, but rather to stock up on tea, cocoa powder, and dry milk.

I wish I’d been warned how emotional I’d be too & that sticking to fluids only is psychologically very difficult; if you used to be a “foodie”. I wish I’d known how tired & weak I would be, just having a shower would exhaust me in the early days & I’d have to have a rest!

How much I actually thought about food! I didn’t understand why I was so obese, I honestly thought I ate pretty well most of the time.

I wish I had known that I was not saying good-bye to food, but just setting new boundaries in our relationship.

I wish I had known that I would like my body more and more with clothes on and less and less naked as I get smaller.

I wish I had known the REAL reason why I was doing it – which had nothing to do with losing weight, but was about reclaiming my life.

I wish I had known that the way I felt the first month post-op was temporary. Maybe it was better that I went in not knowing how truly awful I was going to feel for a while.
 
Looking back on it, it passed quickly, but they don’t call it hell week for nothing.

Some people like you better fat and don’t know how to deal with you skinny
I was at 185, but I let a remark throw me off. Someone said ” Oh God, your cheeks are all sunk in, you look terrible”.

So I purposely gained 35 lbs. regretting it now. I am dieting again to get back to 185. That is where I have no gut, naturally. Other wise, I lost 175 lbs…So, don’t let a remark get to you.

No one told me that you could become depressed and an emotional wreck; I wish they had, so I could have been prepared for it.

Like any loss, you go through stages of grief (denial, pain, anger, depression, acceptance). Just like any other loss, everyone goes through these at different paces, you can be in more than one at a time, you can pass through one on to another and then go back to one you’ve already been through.

I wish I had known I would love the person I would become, and that I had worth. It would have saved a lot of tears, if I had known that. The tears, though, are part of the reason I became this person. Without being fat, and without GBS as a catalyst for the implosion of my entire life post-op, I would not have as much respect for the person I have become.

It took years, I realize now as I look back, for me to work through all those things in my head, heart and soul that were deeply affected by being fat. All the weight that I wanted to lose was gone in under a year, but it took MUCH longer to adapt my eyes to see my new self.

I can’t get a blind NG tube put in and I think this requires a medical bracelet

I felt emotional, didn’t know y at the time but now I know i was hormonal due to the rapid weight loss

I wish I realized how much I really loved food.

I wish I woulda known this would be the best damn decision ever so I coulda made it earlier.

I wish I knew there was problems with the iron absorbing

That regain is possible and very easy to happen.

How hard this process was going to be, and how frustrating it is. I may not have stuck it out if I knew before-hand…

I wish I knew not everyone loses the hunger or appetite hormone, I wish I knew I wouldn’t dump, I wish I knew I’d have constipation issues a lot, I wish I knew I’d still have to rely on myself not to graze all day and that I’d still have to count my calories and be mindful of how much I eat.

That after the surgery for the FIRST time since I was 14 (I’m now 47) I have gone 4 months without the migraines that I suffered from. Wondering now if it was all sugar related because I was a carb junkie!! Don’t really have time for bread and pasta because the calories and lack of protein make if a waste of time to eat.

Head hunger is REAL!

I wished I would have know what level of commitment this new lifestyle was going to take!

I wish I`d known that I would still have the urge to comfort eat (ONLY DONE IT ONCE NEVER AGAIN I LEARNT MY LESSON) even though it`s sometimes hard, I don`t regret having it done

I wish I knew that I would have a lot of complications and needed several revisions….. I would have still done wls, but done things differently

A few days post op I started crying. I found out it’s due to weight loss. I got meds to help. The first week or two truly can suck. You will wonder why you were ever excited to have this done. It will pass and you will slide into a new normal. You will like yourself because for the first time you KNOW you are making a positive health change. Counting protein grams and fluid ounces and vitamin popping are HARD in the first several weeks, but do get easier. You will be aware of your pouch most of the time until you are thoroughly healed.

I guess I thought I would always have soft/loose stools after surgery but in reality I suffer from constipation most of the time

Emotional aspect is something the professional’ s didn’t warn me about, mental health is so very important with this lifestyle change

I would have liked to be better prepared for emotional roller coasters

How hard it is to stay on track and not eat bad foods.

Old habits can & will creep back in

 

The crazy emotions, the hair loss and the random pains I get

About how severely you could lose your hair

That I’d feel nausea every day and even the thought of food would make me gag.

That weight loss/maintenance is still an every day, every minute demon for me

I wish I learned to love my body before the surgry, so I would love it after too.

Wish I’d known the true meaning of emotional roller coaster. Also wish I knew what I was truly capable of… never knew I’d come as far as I have- but also didn’t think I’d have issues with my skin

I wish I would have known how hard the first few weeks would have been….but I still would have done it

I wish i had known..just how painful the first weeks would be both physically and mentally..then i wish i had known that my husband would be jut beside himself with my results. then i wish i had known I would develop almost an aversion to food.. and then i wish i had known about how to get it done sooner. i feel like i wasted a lot of time battling the weight and feeling bad about myself…

How my hormones where going to go absolutely crazy!!!! From 3 months out to today they are a mess, there where days I really though I was going crazy. Than there is no way to know exactly how this is gonna affect people.

It’s no picnic in the beginning and no matter what surgery you have done, it is a tool, not the solution. It still requires some dedication and restraint. There is no surgery that will erase all weight with no work. You will not be alone!