Update

Well there really isn’t an update, because nothing new has happened. My surgeons office SAID they sent the paperwork to the insurance company, but yet my insurance company hasn’t gotten it yet.

I’m about to scream.

I have a control issue. Anyone who knows me knows this; I like having control, I like being the boss, I want to just do it myself. And not being in control of this situation has cause me a lot of stress and anger that I just do not know how to deal with. How hard is it to fax paperwork??

I have to get all of my time off approved, but I need my date to do that. My mom needs to buy her plane tickets, but I need my date to do that. I need to know when I am going to be out of work, but AGAIN I need my date to do that. This entire this is centered around ONE MAN faxing my paperwork to my insurance company. I could do his job better if I went there TODAY to do it.

Trying to plan all of this has put some un-welcome thoughts into my brain. I have been thinking a lot about after the surgery and what my life is going to be like. One of the thoughts is- do I really want to do this? I know I went through this in the beginning and I have 500 pro’s and con’s lists to show my thought process. I just keep thinking, how long will it take for my life to go back to normal? Will I lose too much weight? Will I not lose enough? What if I have complications and this never works for me? These questions keep me up at night.

I haven’t really had any negative responses to my surgery, and I have been telling everyone. But I find that I’m asking myself the questions I dreaded being asked. Could I do this on my own? Is this really going to be worth it?

People who have had the surgery tell me it is worth it. But because I haven’t experienced it myself, I don’t know for sure.

I worry about my relationships. Will they look at me differently because I am smaller? Will some be jealous? Will they think I’m acting different? Will I act different? All I have had is this tight-knit support system, but what happens when that falls apart? Stories from other people’s experiences are creeping into my subconscious and it is making me freak out. I guess I just need to trust in my relationships and hope for the best.

I am sure all of you hate me asking these questions, maybe one day I’ll be able to answer them though. That’s the beauty of having this blog, I am able to look back and remember my struggle and my questions, and re-evaluate myself. I feel that self-reflection is what is going to give me strength through this whole process.

You can’t expect everything else to change if you don’t change yourself, and that means outside and in.

So I will just take a deep breath and call my surgeons office again until they send the paperwork.