Out and Proud

I think the hardest thing about having this surgery is the stigma behind it. I find myself having to defend myself in my own blog, a place where I should feel safe for having any feeling or thought, for having this surgery to try and get healthy. I have to defend the choices I make in my life against people who have no idea what I have gone through in my life.

I have been called fatso, lard ass, fattie, whale, pig, little miss piggy, tub of lard, big fat Ashlee, Fatshlee, fat bitch, and so many other names throughout my entire life I can’t even remember them. This started when I was in 3rd grade… 3RD GRADE! What kind of child should have to go through that kind of pain? What is the reason we have to be so cruel?

A friend of mine that had her surgery a few months ago hasn’t told a lot of people because of that stigma. She feels, as do I, that people will judge her for “taking the easy way out” as everyone is led to believe. It’s the same stigma that we say to ourselves, “We really couldn’t just exercise?”

I would like to address this stigma. No- I can’t just exercise. No, it isn’t about just not eating. I have lived my entire life as a fat person. It is engrained in my DNA, my body doesn’t work like yours. I gain more weight then do you when I eat something not so healthy. I don’t lose as much weight as you do when I eat right and exercise. My body has physical pain when I exercise, and I DO exercise. I do Zumba and go to the gym, and hike and try to do all of these things- Being obese is a struggle I have to live with every single day of my life. And I’ve said this before, this isn’t the easy way out. This is probably going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. And you know what? I am proud of it.

I am proud that I am taking my life into my own hands, and deciding that half a life isn’t enough for me. I am deciding to LIVE and be HEALTHY, and to put that on to my children. I am making a conscious effort to change my life for the better. Why would someone judge something so positive in this world of negativity? In this world of hate and war and murder, why can’t someone embrace something as beautiful as being healthy and living life to the fullest extend? Or trying to make a better life for my children?

Why can’t we just be happy for each other? Be proud for making that difficult decision, proud for taking their lives into their hands and doing something good with it. I could stay this way the rest of my life- easily. I could continue to gain weight, yoyo through life always dieting, always working hard. I could have obese children and continue this trend. Or I can make the tough decision and do good in the world.

Today will be the first day I will have my blog on my Facebook. Every person I know and love will know what my decision is and that I want to love life.

If you have any negative comments, please keep them to yourself. If you feel the need to put negative comments on my blog, they won’t be approved, so no one else will see them but me. I will not allow your cruelty to impact other people and their positive life change.
As always, positivity and support is welcome with open arms.

Skin-Y

So- the past couple days I have been looking at myself naked in the mirror (ohh lala) and wondering what parts of my body will have loose skin and what will bounce back. My insurance doesn’t cover any sort of cosmetic surgery to take away loose skin, so until I hit the lotto or get a really good job, I won’t be having surgery to remove it anytime soon. I just wonder if it is worth it. Skin looks better when there is fat under it- I just wonder how well lotions and other things will help to tighten my skin up.

To be honest, I am really worried about my breasts. I am 27 and I haven’t had kids yet. I think I deserve to have perky boobs to go with my new body. I hate thinking that I’m going to have to have plastic surgery to get the body I want.


Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there is going to be some loose skin, I just hope I don’t look like… well this —

Cute on a puppy, not cute on a woman.


I know I will have to exercise to help with this, I do yoga a lot and I think that will really help with toning. I think I just need to realize that if I am going to do this, I need to take the bad with the good. Good thing, I love a loving supportive boyfriend who loves me for me, and maybe one day after a house and kids I can get a tummy tuck and new boobs!! (okay maybe just a boob lift, I don’t think I need anymore boob in there.)

I am still putting together a list of food items for preparations after my surgery. The best thing that is going to happen right after my surgery is that my mom is going to be spending a week with me right after my surgery, helping me adjust. I am really looking forward to having her here, and having that support. She lives all the way in Michigan and I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like. She is my best friend, and due to distance and other issues we haven’t been as close this year as we usually are. So I think this will really bring us back together. Plus, since she went through this almost four years ago, it’s just another connection we’ll have.

Christmas is a week away, and I am excited to go back to Michigan and see my family. It’s been a few months since I was back home, and I am really missing everyone. The only thing that would make it better is if I already had the surgery and was well on my way to losing this weight. But I guess at the same time its a good thing I haven’t had it already, I can enjoy the holidays, and then start the year a new. Hey- I may actually be able to keep a New Years Resolution this year!! First time for everything, right?

Anyone readings this that has experienced loose skin and any resolution that they’d like to share, please comment

Always Be Prepared

I am sitting here trying to write in this blog. I was trying to write about how lately I think my body is subconsciously preparing myself for life after the surgery. As I am writing all I can hear is BLAH BLAH WHINE WHINE I’M FAT BLAH BLAH.

People get sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. Shit, I’M kind of getting sick of writing about it. But at this point, I have nothing to do but wait and think, think and wait until I can actually get this process started. I am at a place now that I just want it to be done. I am the kind of person when I get an idea in my head, I bust my ass until is done, so I can sit back and look at me work and remind myself how awesome I am. That’s what I want to do now. I just want to get all of this done with and get the surgery so I can start my journey. I am done feeling the way I feel all the time.

I was showing a friend of mine some old photo’s of me, when I was at my skinniest. I can remember how I felt during that time, and I want to get back there. I want to feel GOOD about myself, and feel good about the life I am leading. All I am doing right now is working working working and trying to make money for all these other things that are pending in my life.

Do you ever look at your life and think, I am sick of waiting for my life to start? That’s how I feel right now. So many things in my life are being put on hold for this surgery, and I just want it over with. I want to live my life!

This isn’t about being skinny. I’ll never be skinny, I have come to terms with that. And I don’t need to be skinny to be happy. I need to be less fat, healthy and full of energy.
So anyway- I really think that I have subconsciously been preparing myself for life after surgery. I’ve craved a lot of soup, my portions are small, and I have been very sensitive to texture. I couldn’t eat a piece of pumpkin pie today because it felt gross.

***CONNECTION*** I am so ready for this surgery, that I am already starting to eat like it. DING DING DING- good job brain! I actually put two and two together today. IT’S A MIRACLE.

As you can see, it is a bit of a struggle today for my brain to think. It’s been snowing non stop since Saturday, and I have a 45 minute commute home later. We have gotten about 6 inches of snow since I arrived this morning. My brain is already in vacation mode since my boyfriend and I will be traveling to Michigan on Saturday to spend a week there for Christmas. So as you can see, I have a lot on my mind.
The view from my office window:
Good thing I have all wheel drive! It pays to be prepared right?

I also have been trying to get together a list of things I am going to need after the surgery. I asked for a blender for Christmas because I figured I would be making a lot of shakes and stuff. My next post, I’ll add a list of items I will be getting, hopefully I can get some feedback on what is good, bad, or nasty!!

Baby Talk

After I had my seminar, my boyfriend and I talked about the surgery and what it would mean for our future. We plan on getting married within the next few years and have children shortly after that. Since I have decided to try to get this surgery done before all that happens, it has put our plans on hold. I want to wait a bit to get engaged (I don’t want to have to resize my ring 40 times) and, I have to wait at least 18 months to get pregnant after my surgery.

Now, being 27, I wanted to start having children within the next year or two. I really didn’t want to wait until after I was 30. I grew up with young parents, and I always wanted to be a young mother. Circumstance has put me in a different place, and I wasn’t ready to have children, nor was my partner. We had a lot of financial issues, so we put off getting married and having kids until we were a little more stable. I know now a days it isn’t a big deal having kids in your 30’s. In fact, most people wait until now to have kids. The average age in America for woman to have children is 28. So I am starting to get over the fact that I will be 30 by the time I have my first child.

But as my boyfriend and I were having this discussion about my surgery, he asked me, “Will the baby be safe after the surgery? Will it get enough nutrients.”
My automatic answer was, “Yes, that’s why they make you wait 18 months.”
But it got me thinking a bit. I will need to increase my calorie intake/nutrient intake when I get pregnant, but I won’t be able to eat more like normal pregnant woman would. So how am I gonna do that?

I started doing a little research, and I came across a great website:
http://www.babymed.com/pregnancy-after-gastric-bypass-surgery
I got information from other websites geared more toward bariatric patients, but this one was more for babies, which I thought would be better. I don’t really need to know what effect it will have on me, but I want to know about my baby. It gave me a lot of really great information.

Basically most of the websites said, you just have to take more nutrients, eat more nutritious food, and to make sure that you aren’t “dieting” while pregnant. You may still lose weight while you are pregnant, but that is just because you are still eating less. As long as you are eating that nutritious food, you should be fine. Also, they say you should be taking more prenatal supplements then a normal pregnant woman, because there is a small malabsorption that occurs after the surgery that you need to make up for.

Surprisingly, the other thing all the websites said was that I have a high risk of having to have a c-section. Now, I have come to terms with possibly having to have a c-section just because my boyfriend is 6’5, and he was 10 lbs when he was born and 24 inches long. That is a big baby. But I find this very surprising, especially because they don’t have a reason WHY bariatric surgery patients are more prone to c-sections. (If anyone has anymore information about this, i’d love to know.)

But the biggest thing for me is that I am going to be so much healthier when I carry my baby. I won’t be as much of a risk for gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. My child has less of a chance of becoming obese, and may have a higher IQ since my blood pressure won’t put stress on the baby. (I watched a documentary on how woman who have higher blood pressure or who stress out during their pregnancy tend to have children with lower IQ’s, have a lower development and have a higher risk of poor behavior. )

Based on the risks and rewards of all this, I think that it is a better idea to wait until after my surgery to have children. I think this decision will give my children a healthier life and increase their success of not being obese. Ultimately, this is my goal, for my children to be able to break this cycle.

Smorgasbord

So the one problem with deciding that you are going to try to have weight loss surgery is that you have this feeling of freedom with food. No longer do you have to diet, or watch what you eat. Why do that? You are going to just lose it all once this process is over anyway, right? WRONG!! (Well, IF I get the surgery that is right, but I still have to go through a very long process.) And what if I don’t get approved? Then I would have totally screwed myself.

I haven’t exercised in over a week. I canceled my weight watchers membership. I am eating anything I want. I ordered desert the other night! I am on a rampage! I need to stop.

The good thing is, I think I am actually getting sick of eating. I feel gross all the time, and I can’t believe how tired I am. There is something to say for eating heathy, you feel so much better. Plus my pants are getting a little tight!

The other problem is the holidays are coming up- We just had Thanksgiving. I’m spending Christmas with my family, and they are all foodies. Everything we do is based around where we are going lunch/dinner that day. Not to mention I have two Christmas dinners. I feel like I am on death row! I need my last meal…s.

I am just hoping all of this goes smoothly and quickly. Now that I have made my decision that I actually want this surgery, if I get denied I will be heartbroken. I already have a list of things that I want to do when I lose enough weight to do it. Like hiking, mountain climbing, get a new ID picture for my drivers license and work ID, running a 5k, and other things that I am not going to mention on this blog because they are sexual in nature and I don’t want to give my Grandmother a heart attack

But I am really looking forward to losing a significant amount of weight, and finally feeling free. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before. Free to act the way I want to act, and not worry about people judging me because i’m big. Free to maybe even start acting again. I was so uncomfortable with myself that I don’t think I allowed myself to be free while I acted. I was too stiff and couldn’t let go. Maybe i’ll be able to let go, and finally do something that I really love and am passionate about. I never realized I could feel like that.

As I typed that last paragraph, I got this image of a child running through fall leaves, laughing and screaming in delight. I want to be that child. Not a care in the world.

I have a disease

Obesity is a disease.

This is what I learned from my seminar. Me being overweight isn’t necessarily all my fault. There is medical proof that I just “don’t have any self-control.” I don’t have to feel like a failure because I couldn’t lose weight “normally.” I don’t have to feel like I’m just a pig who can’t stop eating HoHo’s. (Honestly, I haven’t had a hoho in like 12 years)

Don’t get me wrong, my behavior is apart of it. Eating the wrong things, and not exercising contributes to it. I am not saying the things I do and don’t do aren’t reasons in my fatness. But it’s also based on social, behavioral, cultural, physiological, metabolic and genetic factors.The fact that I have obesity on both sides of my family is a large reason why I am big today, and why I can’t keep off the weight I lose.

There is a great artical in the Huffington Post about a man to yo-yoed all his life- he went from 200, to over 400 and back down to 200 lbs. This is what he had to say about obesity,
“I am going to live the rest of my life with obesity. I preach to many that you can live a healthy life with obesity. Obesity has been hard, but I will never deny that I do not have obesity. It is a disease that has no cure.

But I fight like hell every day to live with it and to stay healthy.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-posnanski/obesity-disease_b_4303347.html

I will struggle with obesity all of my life, even after I have surgery. “This is not a magic bullet.” My surgeon said.

He is right. I am going to have to work harder then I ever have after I have this surgery. But what this surgery is going to give me is the tool to do that. Right now, I do Zumba twice a week, I eat healthy, I watch my portions, and I am staying the same. Based on my weight, my family history and my health, losing weight with diet and exercise (And keeping it off) is impossible. After the surgery, I will be able to exercise without being in pain. Everyime I start my zumba class my back starts to hurt, my ankles hurt, and by the time it’s over I am dead. I do it twice a week because I know its healthy for me. But if I could do it without pain, I think I could sweat more, and lose more calories.

This is NOT an excuse. I am sick of reading articles about how fat people just need to stop eating so much, and listening to people say how fat people just need to get up an exercise. You have NO IDEA what its like to be fat if you aren’t fat. I am not a binge eater. Yes- sometimes I eat foods that aren’t good for me. Yes- I eat cake at birthday parties. But doesn’t everyone? Aren’t I allowed to be a human too and enjoy things? Why is it that because i’m fat I can’t have a damn oreo. OREO’S ARE GOOD! I shouldn’t have to live off celery for the rest of my life!

When I eat healthy, I do lose weight. I work very hard. But if I have one treat- one dinner of pizza or a slice of pie, I gain half of what I just lost back. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? To work so hard, and do so well, and because of one meal it is ruined?
This is how backsliding occures. This is why I can’t lose weight or keep it off. I am done with that. I am done yoyoing through life.

My consultation for my surgery is on January 6th. I am having a gastric bypass.

Fat Seminar

Tomorrow I make my decision.


I have the seminar tomorrow, and I am way more nervous then I thought I would be. And surprisingly, more indecisive then I was last week. I thought I had made up my mind already, and that I was going to do it. I was even excited last week. But now, I’m just nervous, its getting real.

I realized how much my life will change- for good and bad. Everything that I have already talked about and expressed are still in my mind- I am constantly going back and fourth. I just keep thinking about the what if’s- what if I do, what if I don’t. This has been pretty much going through my mind all weekend.

Saturday I went to a banquette for my boyfriend and his football team. I wore a dress, and under that dress was something to suck me in appropriately, plus nylons because it was freezing outside. I was so uncomfortable, I had to go home and change before we went out again. I had on a tank top that sucked in the top part, and something that resembles spanks. The spanks were digging into my side so badly, I was in pain. At this point, I would have done anything to not be fat.

But Sunday, sitting around in sweat pants and watching cooking channels, all I wanted to do was be fat and eat a ton of food, off course.

Sunday night we went out to dinner with my boyfriends grandparents and his Grandma is always raving about this one restaurant and their chicken parm (It’s pretty good BTW.) But as I am eating it, I am thinking to myself- what could I have ordered here? It is a pizza joint, they have other italian dishes to eat, but there is really nothing I could have had, especially in the beginning times of my surgery. I could have gotten a meatball I suppose. And then today, I get lunch in our cafe, and they have this amazing soup that I love, and I for sure can have this after I have the surgery. Honestly, I could eat soup pretty much every day and never get sick of it. I have been so up and down the past few days I don’t know where I am. Tomorrow, I will make a decision that will change the rest of my life, But I just don’t know which direction.

The food thing isn’t the only thing that is making me nervous. The surgery itself is making me nervous. I have never had surgery, unless you count getting my wisdom teeth being pulled (or surgically YANKED from my mouth.) I am worried about blood clots and dying. I don’t want to be that ironic person that had surgery to be healthier then ended up dying because of it.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “STOP WHINING!” Well, I feel like I have a right to whine. I am nervous. I am SCARED. And I know without this surgery, I will never lose weight I want. Never. It will probably get even worse from having kids, and so will my depression and my health. I’ll die young and never see my grandchildren or grow old with the man I love. These things are important to me. (If you didn’t know this by now, I take things WAYYY over the top.)

I just need to keep reminding myself that this is for my own good- I need to do this if I want to be healthy and to have a healthy life style. I want to run a marathon, and go mountain climbing. I want to be one of those annoying organic people.

I am sick of being fat girl.

I am so much more than that.