So it’s been two weeks since my surgery. I will have another post about the rest of the two weeks another day. But today I had to write about today.
On Monday I had my “One Week” visit with the PA Tyler. As some of you know, the main things I have been dealing with since my surgery is pain and nausea. Recently, I have had pain in one of my incision sites. It hurts to basically do anything! Sit, stand, walk, bender over. I told him about the pain, and about how the pain medicine I am on (Hydrocodone) doesn’t really do anything to help. He said that this incision is the one they do most everything out of, and it is deep in the muscle where the nerves are, so that’s why its so painful. He gave me some pain patches, and some another pain medicine for a few days. He also took my drain out!! For those who don’t know what this is, I had to have plastic tubing coming out of the right side of my stomach, and it went to this little egg type thing. It drained fluid to prevent infection. It was annoying, gross, and caused a lot of discomfort. Having it taken out was like having a painful tapeworm being pulled from my stomach. I am so overjoyed to have this thing out you have no idea.
After my doctor appointment I went shopping with my mother-in-law, and just from everything that day I really over-did it. I was in a lot of pain the rest of Monday and on Tuesday I was very sore. I decided to take it easy on Tuesday because I had a lot to do today.
This morning I woke up and wasn’t experiencing a lot of pain. I walked around my apartment waiting for more to come, but it didn’t. I relaxed for a little while, made myself some eggs and cheese (YUM BTW, best thing I’ve eaten so far) and started getting ready. I was really starting to feel myself! I could sit and stand, bend over, shower, and get ready without a ton of pain. I would feel a few twinges here and there, but nothing from what I had been experiencing. It made me feel so positive and good to be able to be up and about, and not stuck in the recliner I’ve been in since the surgery. I went to the store and went shopping! I didn’t say out too long, I didn’t want to overdue, and I have things I have to do tomorrow as well. But it’s a really amazing feeling.
It has been a day of wins. I had two meals that didn’t make me sick at all. I weighed myself and I’ve lost 21 lbs since my surgery two weeks ago. I don’t have a ton of pain, and I drove for the first time since my surgery.
I am having such a wonderful day, and it isn’t even over yet!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Days following
Sorry I haven’t been updated. I never realized how hard it was to do ANYTHING after having this surgery.
The night after my surgery I didn’t get much sleep. Nate slept next to me all night, which I was so grateful for. The nurse or tech would wake me up to get my vitals or to give me a medication, and he would be up there helping me get comfortable after they came. At midnight, our neighbors got a visitor of some-sort, and they were talking at the top of their voices. They had no regard to the two people also trying to sleep in the room. I was so annoyed and pissed off. I shushed them a few times after they wouldn’t shut up, and they finally quieted down.
But I still didn’t get a lot of sleep at all. Finally after my 2am check, the nurse told me she was going to let me sleep for a few hours, and she’d wake me up to walk around 4:30 or 5 to walk. As soon as I got to sleep though, my IV machine kept going off. There were bubbles in my IV and this loud alarm would sound. I would have to call the nurse to fix it every time. It happened probably a dozen times an hour. When she would, I would get this surge of medication and saline though my IV that made it burn and it was really painful. My IV was still in my hand at this point, and even though I continued to tell her it was bothering me, no one did anything about it. This went on until 4am, so I decided to just get up and walk.
After I slept a little while longer, Nate had to go to work. I was still in a lot of pain, and I was not ready for him to leave. I couldn’t breath very well still and it was hard for me to get out of bed. I was starting to feel sick so they started given me additional pain meds and anti-nausea meds as well. I went for a walk in the morning, then was told I had to go have an upper GI that morning to make sure there were no leaks. The nurse helping me get there wasn’t very nice to me, and didn’t have any sympathy for me whatsoever to the fact that I was in a lot of pain.
This upper GI was a little different then the one I had before. I only had to stand to get the x-ray done, which is good that I didn’t have to move a lot. But the whole time the nurse kept yelling at me to breath. My oxygen levels were low and my heart rate was high, and she was trying to help ,but the way she was going about it was too harsh and rude for me to handle. I finally broke and yelled at her, crying as well, that I was in a lot of pain, that I knew my oxygen level was low but yelling at me wasn’t going to do anything about it. That shut her up.
So before when I had to get my upper GI, it was very thick and chalky, and it was more of the consistency that bothered me, rather than the taste. This one was so much worse. It tasted like cough syrup and dish soap mixed. I thought I was going to throw up all over the x-ray tech. Since I couldn’t drink very much, it took a long time for it to get to where they needed it to be to get the x-ray they needed. Keep in mind, I haven’t had ANYTHING to drink at all since two days before. The only thing I get were little sponges of water to suck on. So I hand to stand at the x-ray machine for a long time. It was very hot in that room, and I was fading pretty quickly. I was relieved when they told me I was done and could go back to my room.
The day didn’t seem to wind down there. After my upper GI fiasco, I had several people in an out of my room. I finally got my IV changed, my catheter out, and some more medication. My tech helped me clean up in the bathroom, because there is something about hospitals that make you smell. So I was clean, feeling good, and sitting upright in my chair. I was sore from all the activity, but was finally able to drink water! HALLELUJAH!!! The clouds parted and the angels sang when they told me that. I was finally able to take a nice nap in the sleep chair for a while.
My parents came later in the afternoon, and Nate after that. I was actually expecting my parents to be there earlier that day, and really could have used them. But they had a nice relaxing morning and I couldn’t fault them for wanting that, after all they spent their day in the hospital the day before.
They stayed a few hours, and were able to be there to see me start other liquids. I was able to eat a little Italian ice, but everything else they gave me was gross, including the broth. So I mostly stuck with water. My parents had to get going to meet my in-laws for dinner. Nate stayed pretty late, and I was exhausted even with the nap I had earlier that day. I finally convinced Nate to go home and get a good night sleep, and I went to sleep early.
More later
The night after my surgery I didn’t get much sleep. Nate slept next to me all night, which I was so grateful for. The nurse or tech would wake me up to get my vitals or to give me a medication, and he would be up there helping me get comfortable after they came. At midnight, our neighbors got a visitor of some-sort, and they were talking at the top of their voices. They had no regard to the two people also trying to sleep in the room. I was so annoyed and pissed off. I shushed them a few times after they wouldn’t shut up, and they finally quieted down.
But I still didn’t get a lot of sleep at all. Finally after my 2am check, the nurse told me she was going to let me sleep for a few hours, and she’d wake me up to walk around 4:30 or 5 to walk. As soon as I got to sleep though, my IV machine kept going off. There were bubbles in my IV and this loud alarm would sound. I would have to call the nurse to fix it every time. It happened probably a dozen times an hour. When she would, I would get this surge of medication and saline though my IV that made it burn and it was really painful. My IV was still in my hand at this point, and even though I continued to tell her it was bothering me, no one did anything about it. This went on until 4am, so I decided to just get up and walk.
After I slept a little while longer, Nate had to go to work. I was still in a lot of pain, and I was not ready for him to leave. I couldn’t breath very well still and it was hard for me to get out of bed. I was starting to feel sick so they started given me additional pain meds and anti-nausea meds as well. I went for a walk in the morning, then was told I had to go have an upper GI that morning to make sure there were no leaks. The nurse helping me get there wasn’t very nice to me, and didn’t have any sympathy for me whatsoever to the fact that I was in a lot of pain.
This upper GI was a little different then the one I had before. I only had to stand to get the x-ray done, which is good that I didn’t have to move a lot. But the whole time the nurse kept yelling at me to breath. My oxygen levels were low and my heart rate was high, and she was trying to help ,but the way she was going about it was too harsh and rude for me to handle. I finally broke and yelled at her, crying as well, that I was in a lot of pain, that I knew my oxygen level was low but yelling at me wasn’t going to do anything about it. That shut her up.
So before when I had to get my upper GI, it was very thick and chalky, and it was more of the consistency that bothered me, rather than the taste. This one was so much worse. It tasted like cough syrup and dish soap mixed. I thought I was going to throw up all over the x-ray tech. Since I couldn’t drink very much, it took a long time for it to get to where they needed it to be to get the x-ray they needed. Keep in mind, I haven’t had ANYTHING to drink at all since two days before. The only thing I get were little sponges of water to suck on. So I hand to stand at the x-ray machine for a long time. It was very hot in that room, and I was fading pretty quickly. I was relieved when they told me I was done and could go back to my room.
The day didn’t seem to wind down there. After my upper GI fiasco, I had several people in an out of my room. I finally got my IV changed, my catheter out, and some more medication. My tech helped me clean up in the bathroom, because there is something about hospitals that make you smell. So I was clean, feeling good, and sitting upright in my chair. I was sore from all the activity, but was finally able to drink water! HALLELUJAH!!! The clouds parted and the angels sang when they told me that. I was finally able to take a nice nap in the sleep chair for a while.
My parents came later in the afternoon, and Nate after that. I was actually expecting my parents to be there earlier that day, and really could have used them. But they had a nice relaxing morning and I couldn’t fault them for wanting that, after all they spent their day in the hospital the day before.
They stayed a few hours, and were able to be there to see me start other liquids. I was able to eat a little Italian ice, but everything else they gave me was gross, including the broth. So I mostly stuck with water. My parents had to get going to meet my in-laws for dinner. Nate stayed pretty late, and I was exhausted even with the nap I had earlier that day. I finally convinced Nate to go home and get a good night sleep, and I went to sleep early.
More later
Friday, August 15, 2014
The Surgery
Well I did it. I finally had my surgery.
We got to the hospital a little late. We were supposed to arrive at 5:45 but ended up getting there closer to 6. I was weirdly calm. Normally before something big, I am a nervous wreck. I had some nerves, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I was either in shock or I had finally accepted everything. I am not sure which. The whole ride to the hospital I was expecting the butterflies and feeling sick or anxious. I just.. didn’t get them.
My Mom, Dad, Nate and I were not in the waiting room very long when I was called to go back to my pre-op station. I had a bed behind a curtain. I was only allowed to take one person at a time, so I took Nate first. I got undressed and got into my gown, and then the parade started. I got to see three different nurses, my Anesthesia doctor, my Surgeon, his PA Tyler, and then finally my Anesthesia nurse who would be with me the whole time.
Nate was with me the whole time, the nurses making us laugh, taking whatever nerves we had left away with them. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in a hospital. They had a really hard time getting the IV in, I have really deep set veins. They had to bring a machine that shined a red light on my skin, and it showed my veins to the nurse so she could put in my IV. It was really cool. The Anesthesiologist even started playing around with it on me because she had never seen it before.
They put the IV in my left hand, and it wasn’t very comfortable at all. I am left handed for one, and it really stung feeling the medicine going through it. I had asked them if they could move it after surgery while I was still out, but they forgot I think.
After my IV was in, my parents were able to come back and we all spent a little time together. They got to be there when my Surgeon came in and the Anesthesiologist nurse came to give me meds and take me to the operating room. I remember feeling odd when I was being rolled into the room, everything started to blur and spin. We got into the operating room, I saw the big round lights and all the nurses prepping everything around me. They put me into position and started strapping my arms down off to the side. I think they must have given me the good stuff at this point, because it was hard to keep my eyes open. The nurse finally told me to turn off my brain and have a good nap. So I did.
Surgery lasted a little less then three hours. My boyfriend didn’t want to leave the waiting room. I think he was more anxious about all this then I was. Maybe that is why I was so calm, because he needed me to be.
The next thing I can remember is pain, and not being able to breath. Every breath was agony, and I could hear someone telling me to take a deep breath. I kept telling them I couldn’t, that I hurt. I just continued to take short staggered breaths as this nurse continued to yell at me to breath. I finally told her to stop yelling at me and that I couldn’t. I begged her to give me something for the pain. They told me they had already, twice. I think I vaguely remember her talking to my surgeon, but I don’t really know. Everything seemed like a dream for a while after I woke up.
I am pretty sure I didn’t open my eyes this whole time. Next thing I knew it was quiet and my family was in the room with me. There was a woman in the room too yelling about how the hospital was trying to kill her. This continued for a while. My father, who did not want me to be dealing with that, got me moved to another room, 2208. For those who know me, know what a fanatic I am about numbers. This is probably one of the best room numbers I could ever ask for. I knew it was a sign that everything would be fine, and I would be okay. But I was still in pain, and having a hard time breathing. I was cramping in my stomach and my back and rear were in a lot of pain due to the duration I was laying on them.
While in the first room, basically all I did was ask for pain medication. My parents tracked down a nurse to finally hook up the morphine drip, where I had a button I could give it to myself. Now I thought this was the kind that you could keep pressing and pressing. This one I could only do every 6 minutes. Needless today, I kept my eyes on the clock.
The rest of the day was pretty painful. After only a few hours after my surgery, they wanted me to start walking. Mind you, I am connected to a heart monitor, breathing machine, IV, and a catheter. The tech that was helping me, Stacy, was amazing. As you can imagine, after having surgery on your stomach, it can be painful to do just about anything, but trying to get out of bed is next to impossible. Stacy gave me a bit bear hug and lifted me out of the bed. She helped make sure my gown was covering me, and that I was steady before walking. She basically kept her arm around me the whole time. My Dad was so thankful that she was there, he gave her a hug too.
I didn’t walk very far, I got down to half way down the hallway. I kept getting cramps in my stomach, it felt like charlie-horses. My back was also in a lot of pain, trying to hold the rest of my body up because my core couldn’t. The pain medicine still wasn’t working very well, and I hadn’t had anything to drink since midnight the night before, just enough to wet my mouth. I was weak, tired, in pain, and starting to feel a little nauseous. They made me walk a few more times that night, each time getting easier and easier.
My parents stayed for the whole day, I basically had to kick them out. They were so helpful, tracking down nurses or anyone to help me with anything. They encouraged me to walk, as that was the best way to heal. Through all the confusion and headache, they were there to make sure I was being cared for properly, and I couldn’t have done this without them.
The second tech of the night was not as good as Stacy. He was a little asian boy who didn’t help me out of bed, and barely knew what he was doing. Thank God Nate stayed the night with me that night, or I wouldn’t have been able to walk at all. Actually, if he didn’t stay the night, I don’t think I would have been comfortable, and may have fallen several times. My boyfriend, all 6’5 of him, slept in a tiny sleep chair all curled up, so uncomfortable. He woke up every time I moved, and got up just to help me.
Through this day, I learned a lot. I learned I do not have a high tolerance for pain, that I never want to do this surgery ever again, and that I couldn’t have done this without my parents and Nate.
I will tell everyone more about my experience, but this is it for now.
We got to the hospital a little late. We were supposed to arrive at 5:45 but ended up getting there closer to 6. I was weirdly calm. Normally before something big, I am a nervous wreck. I had some nerves, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I was either in shock or I had finally accepted everything. I am not sure which. The whole ride to the hospital I was expecting the butterflies and feeling sick or anxious. I just.. didn’t get them.
My Mom, Dad, Nate and I were not in the waiting room very long when I was called to go back to my pre-op station. I had a bed behind a curtain. I was only allowed to take one person at a time, so I took Nate first. I got undressed and got into my gown, and then the parade started. I got to see three different nurses, my Anesthesia doctor, my Surgeon, his PA Tyler, and then finally my Anesthesia nurse who would be with me the whole time.
Nate was with me the whole time, the nurses making us laugh, taking whatever nerves we had left away with them. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in a hospital. They had a really hard time getting the IV in, I have really deep set veins. They had to bring a machine that shined a red light on my skin, and it showed my veins to the nurse so she could put in my IV. It was really cool. The Anesthesiologist even started playing around with it on me because she had never seen it before.
They put the IV in my left hand, and it wasn’t very comfortable at all. I am left handed for one, and it really stung feeling the medicine going through it. I had asked them if they could move it after surgery while I was still out, but they forgot I think.
After my IV was in, my parents were able to come back and we all spent a little time together. They got to be there when my Surgeon came in and the Anesthesiologist nurse came to give me meds and take me to the operating room. I remember feeling odd when I was being rolled into the room, everything started to blur and spin. We got into the operating room, I saw the big round lights and all the nurses prepping everything around me. They put me into position and started strapping my arms down off to the side. I think they must have given me the good stuff at this point, because it was hard to keep my eyes open. The nurse finally told me to turn off my brain and have a good nap. So I did.
Surgery lasted a little less then three hours. My boyfriend didn’t want to leave the waiting room. I think he was more anxious about all this then I was. Maybe that is why I was so calm, because he needed me to be.
The next thing I can remember is pain, and not being able to breath. Every breath was agony, and I could hear someone telling me to take a deep breath. I kept telling them I couldn’t, that I hurt. I just continued to take short staggered breaths as this nurse continued to yell at me to breath. I finally told her to stop yelling at me and that I couldn’t. I begged her to give me something for the pain. They told me they had already, twice. I think I vaguely remember her talking to my surgeon, but I don’t really know. Everything seemed like a dream for a while after I woke up.
I am pretty sure I didn’t open my eyes this whole time. Next thing I knew it was quiet and my family was in the room with me. There was a woman in the room too yelling about how the hospital was trying to kill her. This continued for a while. My father, who did not want me to be dealing with that, got me moved to another room, 2208. For those who know me, know what a fanatic I am about numbers. This is probably one of the best room numbers I could ever ask for. I knew it was a sign that everything would be fine, and I would be okay. But I was still in pain, and having a hard time breathing. I was cramping in my stomach and my back and rear were in a lot of pain due to the duration I was laying on them.
While in the first room, basically all I did was ask for pain medication. My parents tracked down a nurse to finally hook up the morphine drip, where I had a button I could give it to myself. Now I thought this was the kind that you could keep pressing and pressing. This one I could only do every 6 minutes. Needless today, I kept my eyes on the clock.
The rest of the day was pretty painful. After only a few hours after my surgery, they wanted me to start walking. Mind you, I am connected to a heart monitor, breathing machine, IV, and a catheter. The tech that was helping me, Stacy, was amazing. As you can imagine, after having surgery on your stomach, it can be painful to do just about anything, but trying to get out of bed is next to impossible. Stacy gave me a bit bear hug and lifted me out of the bed. She helped make sure my gown was covering me, and that I was steady before walking. She basically kept her arm around me the whole time. My Dad was so thankful that she was there, he gave her a hug too.
I didn’t walk very far, I got down to half way down the hallway. I kept getting cramps in my stomach, it felt like charlie-horses. My back was also in a lot of pain, trying to hold the rest of my body up because my core couldn’t. The pain medicine still wasn’t working very well, and I hadn’t had anything to drink since midnight the night before, just enough to wet my mouth. I was weak, tired, in pain, and starting to feel a little nauseous. They made me walk a few more times that night, each time getting easier and easier.
My parents stayed for the whole day, I basically had to kick them out. They were so helpful, tracking down nurses or anyone to help me with anything. They encouraged me to walk, as that was the best way to heal. Through all the confusion and headache, they were there to make sure I was being cared for properly, and I couldn’t have done this without them.
The second tech of the night was not as good as Stacy. He was a little asian boy who didn’t help me out of bed, and barely knew what he was doing. Thank God Nate stayed the night with me that night, or I wouldn’t have been able to walk at all. Actually, if he didn’t stay the night, I don’t think I would have been comfortable, and may have fallen several times. My boyfriend, all 6’5 of him, slept in a tiny sleep chair all curled up, so uncomfortable. He woke up every time I moved, and got up just to help me.
Through this day, I learned a lot. I learned I do not have a high tolerance for pain, that I never want to do this surgery ever again, and that I couldn’t have done this without my parents and Nate.
I will tell everyone more about my experience, but this is it for now.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
How ARE you?
Friday I was asked this question a lot. I just wasn’t sure how to answer it.
As my surgery got closer I began to get anxious, then excited, then nervous, then down right scared, then almost calm. Now, I am really not sure how I feel. I think I may be all of these things rolled into its own little ball of emotion that could burst at any point. Today was the first day I woke up with butterflies in my stomach.
It’s my last day of work until September, but since most people don’t work on Saturdays I was saying “See Ya Later” to all my friends at work on Friday. I realized that day I have so many friends supporting me with this surgery. I think that maybe that is another emotion I am having, the overwhelming love and support from everyone. Even people I haven’t spoken to in years are reading my blog, and sending me words of encouragement. It is really amazing and wonderful, there isn’t really a good way to describe it.
Going through something like this, you don’t really expect that. There is a lot of controversy surrounding this surgery, which I’ve addressed a lot in here. Many people thing this surgery is laziness, or gluttony. For some people it could be those things. All I can say it what is it for me, and it just amazes me that the people who really support me say it loud and proud, and for those who don’t have kept quiet. Honestly, I really appreciate both the support, and the quietness of those who don’t. The last thing I need so close to my date is negativity rearing its ugly head into my already unstable brain. I think the only reason I have gotten this far without going bat shit crazy is all my friends and family being there for me.
I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that I have such wonderful people in my life to keep me positive and sane. The past 6 months have been a struggle, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am ready for the next stage of my life.
So to all of you, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You all have been apart of this journey, and I cannot even begin express my gratitude toward all of you.
As my surgery got closer I began to get anxious, then excited, then nervous, then down right scared, then almost calm. Now, I am really not sure how I feel. I think I may be all of these things rolled into its own little ball of emotion that could burst at any point. Today was the first day I woke up with butterflies in my stomach.
It’s my last day of work until September, but since most people don’t work on Saturdays I was saying “See Ya Later” to all my friends at work on Friday. I realized that day I have so many friends supporting me with this surgery. I think that maybe that is another emotion I am having, the overwhelming love and support from everyone. Even people I haven’t spoken to in years are reading my blog, and sending me words of encouragement. It is really amazing and wonderful, there isn’t really a good way to describe it.
Going through something like this, you don’t really expect that. There is a lot of controversy surrounding this surgery, which I’ve addressed a lot in here. Many people thing this surgery is laziness, or gluttony. For some people it could be those things. All I can say it what is it for me, and it just amazes me that the people who really support me say it loud and proud, and for those who don’t have kept quiet. Honestly, I really appreciate both the support, and the quietness of those who don’t. The last thing I need so close to my date is negativity rearing its ugly head into my already unstable brain. I think the only reason I have gotten this far without going bat shit crazy is all my friends and family being there for me.
I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that I have such wonderful people in my life to keep me positive and sane. The past 6 months have been a struggle, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am ready for the next stage of my life.
So to all of you, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You all have been apart of this journey, and I cannot even begin express my gratitude toward all of you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
2 Weeks!
Tomorrow marks two weeks until my surgery.
Right now I am in the process of getting everything ready. I am making lists upon lists of things I need to do at home, buy for after surgery, and pack for my stay at the hospital. I bought my protein powder, I have a plan for my supplements, I have a list of items to buy for the first few weeks I am out. Not to mention trying to get my house in order. I want to make sure it is as clean as it can get so I don’t have to do much in the first few weeks. Nate and I finally cleaned our garage out and I am getting all of my skinny clothes ready to wear again! But I am FAR from ready.
I am also trying to split my time into trying to get as much overtime as possible since I’ll be getting sick pay for a month and no overtime. But I also need to be home to take care of the things I need to do there. I can’t get a day off from work at all because we are so busy. So I basically only have 3 full days to get done what I need to get done. I need at least a week.
So I am feeling a lot of anxiety because of all this. I am still not sleeping well, and I am now having some bad dreams.
Last night I had a dream I didn’t wake up from anesthesia. I could see my parents and my boyfriend when they were telling them, and how upset and lost they looked. When I woke up I was pretty upset and shaken up. I was talking to my friend Meaghan about it, and she basically said to me that God has a plan for me, and that plan is not to go through all this only to die. And if it’s my time to go, it doesn’t matter what I am doing that day, it will happen regardless.
I sat at my desk and thought about that for a while. I decided what I had to do; I had to give my worry to God. I need to put this in His hands and take this worry from me. Think of it as a “Jesus Take the Wheel” moment. I took a few deep breaths and I prayed right there.
I pray to God- not as much as I used to, but I still do. I believe in Him, even if I have a question of faith every once in a while. The only constant I have, and the one thing that I truly believe is that there is a God, and He hears us. This isn’t a post about religion or anything controversial. But I feel a lot better after I gave it to him. I still have anxiety about it. I mean- I am about to change my entire life! Everyone is going to have a little anxiety about it. But I just need to figure out how to not have it affect my life.
I am trying to stay positive about everything, and trying to remember that this is a GOOD thing. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by everything going on in the next two weeks. So if you believe, pray for my sanity!
Right now I am in the process of getting everything ready. I am making lists upon lists of things I need to do at home, buy for after surgery, and pack for my stay at the hospital. I bought my protein powder, I have a plan for my supplements, I have a list of items to buy for the first few weeks I am out. Not to mention trying to get my house in order. I want to make sure it is as clean as it can get so I don’t have to do much in the first few weeks. Nate and I finally cleaned our garage out and I am getting all of my skinny clothes ready to wear again! But I am FAR from ready.
I am also trying to split my time into trying to get as much overtime as possible since I’ll be getting sick pay for a month and no overtime. But I also need to be home to take care of the things I need to do there. I can’t get a day off from work at all because we are so busy. So I basically only have 3 full days to get done what I need to get done. I need at least a week.
So I am feeling a lot of anxiety because of all this. I am still not sleeping well, and I am now having some bad dreams.
Last night I had a dream I didn’t wake up from anesthesia. I could see my parents and my boyfriend when they were telling them, and how upset and lost they looked. When I woke up I was pretty upset and shaken up. I was talking to my friend Meaghan about it, and she basically said to me that God has a plan for me, and that plan is not to go through all this only to die. And if it’s my time to go, it doesn’t matter what I am doing that day, it will happen regardless.
I sat at my desk and thought about that for a while. I decided what I had to do; I had to give my worry to God. I need to put this in His hands and take this worry from me. Think of it as a “Jesus Take the Wheel” moment. I took a few deep breaths and I prayed right there.
I pray to God- not as much as I used to, but I still do. I believe in Him, even if I have a question of faith every once in a while. The only constant I have, and the one thing that I truly believe is that there is a God, and He hears us. This isn’t a post about religion or anything controversial. But I feel a lot better after I gave it to him. I still have anxiety about it. I mean- I am about to change my entire life! Everyone is going to have a little anxiety about it. But I just need to figure out how to not have it affect my life.
I am trying to stay positive about everything, and trying to remember that this is a GOOD thing. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by everything going on in the next two weeks. So if you believe, pray for my sanity!
Monday, July 14, 2014
So Close!
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated everyone, I have been stressed to the max over here! A lot is happening in a short amount of time, and I am very excited and also very NERVOUS.
I had my sleep study a few weeks ago. I had a beautiful room and wonderful nurses. They hooked me up to a shit ton of wires, and told me to sleep with them stuck all over me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well. I tossed and turned most of the night, and had to take ALL the wires with me. The nurse told me I did sleep some, so luckily I won’t have to do that again.
Seriously, could you sleep in this?
My follow up went well. I was told I do have a mild case of sleep apnea, but it’s not severe enough to warrant a c-pap machine. The Doctor told me it should go away after the surgery, and I’ll sleep much better.
I had to get a breath test done to make sure I don’t have any bacteria in my stomach. I had to blow into a bag, and cap it, than drink this super sweet/tart drink, wait 15 minutes, then blow into another bag. Still waiting for the results of that.
My pre-op was just on friday with the PA Tyler (who is ADORABLE btw). He was super sweet to me, answered all of my questions, and it was really helpful. Before I had my appointment, I was really stressed out and feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to get everything done that I needed to get done. I hadn’t bought anything for after surgery and was getting nervous. Now, I am still nervous, but he really calmed me down and helped me realize the important things to get, and to not worry about everything else.
I still have a ton of work to do in my house. I don’t want to have to do a lot of housework while I am unable to lift and exert myself, so I am trying to get everything done in the three weeks that I have. I am more nervous about getting that stuff done, and about after the surgery right now than I am about the actual surgery. I told Tyler they were going to have to give me some Xanax or something to calm me down the day of, because I am going to be a wreck!
I am already feeling a lot of anxiety. I look at my calendar and realize how quick the surgery is coming, I get butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t been sleeping very well at all either. I am trying to balance my time between trying to get as much overtime as possible, and being home to get my house in order. I still have a garage to clean out, boxes to unpack in that garage (from THREE years ago, mind you) and go through all my smaller clothes. That’s the main reason for the garage clean out, I have a ton of clothing from when I was thinner and I need to see what I want to keep, and what I want to give away. The more clothing I can keep the less I have to spend money on, and right now that’s the goal.
I am trying hard to do things to get ready for after surgery. I am trying to drink without a straw (it’s a lot harder than it seems), to not drink during my meals, and to chew chew chew chew. I feel like if I can get used to this now, it will be easier after my surgery.
It doesn’t seem real yet I guess. It may not until I am actually in the hospital. Hell, it may not seem real until I am in a smaller pair of jeans. I just know now more than ever how happy I am that I made this choice. I am excited to feel better, get healthier, and to really live. I can’t wait
I had my sleep study a few weeks ago. I had a beautiful room and wonderful nurses. They hooked me up to a shit ton of wires, and told me to sleep with them stuck all over me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well. I tossed and turned most of the night, and had to take ALL the wires with me. The nurse told me I did sleep some, so luckily I won’t have to do that again.
Seriously, could you sleep in this?
My follow up went well. I was told I do have a mild case of sleep apnea, but it’s not severe enough to warrant a c-pap machine. The Doctor told me it should go away after the surgery, and I’ll sleep much better.
I had to get a breath test done to make sure I don’t have any bacteria in my stomach. I had to blow into a bag, and cap it, than drink this super sweet/tart drink, wait 15 minutes, then blow into another bag. Still waiting for the results of that.
My pre-op was just on friday with the PA Tyler (who is ADORABLE btw). He was super sweet to me, answered all of my questions, and it was really helpful. Before I had my appointment, I was really stressed out and feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to get everything done that I needed to get done. I hadn’t bought anything for after surgery and was getting nervous. Now, I am still nervous, but he really calmed me down and helped me realize the important things to get, and to not worry about everything else.
I still have a ton of work to do in my house. I don’t want to have to do a lot of housework while I am unable to lift and exert myself, so I am trying to get everything done in the three weeks that I have. I am more nervous about getting that stuff done, and about after the surgery right now than I am about the actual surgery. I told Tyler they were going to have to give me some Xanax or something to calm me down the day of, because I am going to be a wreck!
I am already feeling a lot of anxiety. I look at my calendar and realize how quick the surgery is coming, I get butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t been sleeping very well at all either. I am trying to balance my time between trying to get as much overtime as possible, and being home to get my house in order. I still have a garage to clean out, boxes to unpack in that garage (from THREE years ago, mind you) and go through all my smaller clothes. That’s the main reason for the garage clean out, I have a ton of clothing from when I was thinner and I need to see what I want to keep, and what I want to give away. The more clothing I can keep the less I have to spend money on, and right now that’s the goal.
I am trying hard to do things to get ready for after surgery. I am trying to drink without a straw (it’s a lot harder than it seems), to not drink during my meals, and to chew chew chew chew. I feel like if I can get used to this now, it will be easier after my surgery.
It doesn’t seem real yet I guess. It may not until I am actually in the hospital. Hell, it may not seem real until I am in a smaller pair of jeans. I just know now more than ever how happy I am that I made this choice. I am excited to feel better, get healthier, and to really live. I can’t wait
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I am Beautiful
Just wanted to give everyone an update on whats going on. It’s slow-moving right now just waiting for everything to be done and my surgery to be here.
I still have a few more things to take care of. I had two pulmonary appointments for a breathing test and a follow-up to see if I need a sleep study- I do. I will have my sleep study on June 20th. I still have to go get a breathing test to make sure I don’t have a bacteria infection in my stomach. (apparently, after my endoscopy they were supposed to give me an antibiotic to prevent this, and since they didn’t give that to me, I have to be tested.) I will probably have a few pre-op appointments I’m sure- I have one in July already set up.
The more I think about the date I was given, I think it actually works out well. I will be able to have my summer to have fun, go fishing and camping, hiking, and say goodbye to food that I won’t be able to have for a while. I will be able to get in tune with me and my body, to work out and build some muscle before my surgery, and just prepare. I think my after surgery weight loss will go much better if I try now. I want to be as successful as it can be, I don’t want to take any chances.
I see these other woman who are the same size or larger than me, and the way they look is so amazing. I can’t even picture myself that thin. I think the last time I was under 200 pounds was my freshman year of high school. I don’t even know what that looks like.
But I keep trying to picture it. I know it’s a bit vain, and that the purpose of this is to be healthy, not to be skinny, but isn’t mental health important too? If I don’t like the way I look after my surgery, I think that is going to be a problem. I’ve found that some woman after surgery are more critical of their bodies after they’ve lost 100 lbs then they were before they lost it. I have always tried to find the beauty in my own body, if I didn’t I would be mess of low self-esteem. I was always good at finding things that look good on me, but I’m not gonna lie, it is going to be a plus being able to shop in the “regular” section.
I just want to be comfortable.
Everyday I wear a “spanx” type tank top, so I can suck some of me in, even in the summer. I never wear tank tops and I rarely wear shorts, so I’m always hot. This past weekend I was wearing a tank top fishing, and when we left the lake we decided to go shopping. I was so self-conscious about my tank top I bought a t-shirt to wear.
Seriously, who wants to wear a t-shirt on a lake as beautiful as this? I want some SUN!
I hate to put a bathing suit on, and I usually wear something over it unless I’m swimming, so I’m always hot. I constantly have to change positions if I’m sitting, laying down, or even standing. I am never really comfortable. My feet and ankles always hurt, I am weary of plastic chairs in fear I will break one. I hate folding camp chairs because the posts always dig into my legs. I never wear heels, and if I do they are very low.
So this is what I am going to strive for, to not feel like this anymore. I am not doing this to be hot, or to look good (it’s a bonus though.) I just want to feel comfortable with myself.
I am frustrated by people who say/think I am doing this because of my looks, or that this is a vanity surgery. Getting plastic surgery that isn’t medically necessary is vanity surgery, and even then, whats wrong with trying to feel good about yourself? I am doing this for a lot reasons, But the main reasons are for health, comfort, and my future children’s health. I am beautiful now, and I know I don’t need this surgery to find beauty within me.
I will continue to tell myself that no matter what happens, I am beautiful.
I still have a few more things to take care of. I had two pulmonary appointments for a breathing test and a follow-up to see if I need a sleep study- I do. I will have my sleep study on June 20th. I still have to go get a breathing test to make sure I don’t have a bacteria infection in my stomach. (apparently, after my endoscopy they were supposed to give me an antibiotic to prevent this, and since they didn’t give that to me, I have to be tested.) I will probably have a few pre-op appointments I’m sure- I have one in July already set up.
The more I think about the date I was given, I think it actually works out well. I will be able to have my summer to have fun, go fishing and camping, hiking, and say goodbye to food that I won’t be able to have for a while. I will be able to get in tune with me and my body, to work out and build some muscle before my surgery, and just prepare. I think my after surgery weight loss will go much better if I try now. I want to be as successful as it can be, I don’t want to take any chances.
I see these other woman who are the same size or larger than me, and the way they look is so amazing. I can’t even picture myself that thin. I think the last time I was under 200 pounds was my freshman year of high school. I don’t even know what that looks like.
But I keep trying to picture it. I know it’s a bit vain, and that the purpose of this is to be healthy, not to be skinny, but isn’t mental health important too? If I don’t like the way I look after my surgery, I think that is going to be a problem. I’ve found that some woman after surgery are more critical of their bodies after they’ve lost 100 lbs then they were before they lost it. I have always tried to find the beauty in my own body, if I didn’t I would be mess of low self-esteem. I was always good at finding things that look good on me, but I’m not gonna lie, it is going to be a plus being able to shop in the “regular” section.
I just want to be comfortable.
Everyday I wear a “spanx” type tank top, so I can suck some of me in, even in the summer. I never wear tank tops and I rarely wear shorts, so I’m always hot. This past weekend I was wearing a tank top fishing, and when we left the lake we decided to go shopping. I was so self-conscious about my tank top I bought a t-shirt to wear.
Seriously, who wants to wear a t-shirt on a lake as beautiful as this? I want some SUN!
I hate to put a bathing suit on, and I usually wear something over it unless I’m swimming, so I’m always hot. I constantly have to change positions if I’m sitting, laying down, or even standing. I am never really comfortable. My feet and ankles always hurt, I am weary of plastic chairs in fear I will break one. I hate folding camp chairs because the posts always dig into my legs. I never wear heels, and if I do they are very low.
So this is what I am going to strive for, to not feel like this anymore. I am not doing this to be hot, or to look good (it’s a bonus though.) I just want to feel comfortable with myself.
I am frustrated by people who say/think I am doing this because of my looks, or that this is a vanity surgery. Getting plastic surgery that isn’t medically necessary is vanity surgery, and even then, whats wrong with trying to feel good about yourself? I am doing this for a lot reasons, But the main reasons are for health, comfort, and my future children’s health. I am beautiful now, and I know I don’t need this surgery to find beauty within me.
I will continue to tell myself that no matter what happens, I am beautiful.
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