I still have a few more things to take care of. I had two pulmonary appointments for a breathing test and a follow-up to see if I need a sleep study- I do. I will have my sleep study on June 20th. I still have to go get a breathing test to make sure I don’t have a bacteria infection in my stomach. (apparently, after my endoscopy they were supposed to give me an antibiotic to prevent this, and since they didn’t give that to me, I have to be tested.) I will probably have a few pre-op appointments I’m sure- I have one in July already set up.
The more I think about the date I was given, I think it actually works out well. I will be able to have my summer to have fun, go fishing and camping, hiking, and say goodbye to food that I won’t be able to have for a while. I will be able to get in tune with me and my body, to work out and build some muscle before my surgery, and just prepare. I think my after surgery weight loss will go much better if I try now. I want to be as successful as it can be, I don’t want to take any chances.
I see these other woman who are the same size or larger than me, and the way they look is so amazing. I can’t even picture myself that thin. I think the last time I was under 200 pounds was my freshman year of high school. I don’t even know what that looks like.
But I keep trying to picture it. I know it’s a bit vain, and that the purpose of this is to be healthy, not to be skinny, but isn’t mental health important too? If I don’t like the way I look after my surgery, I think that is going to be a problem. I’ve found that some woman after surgery are more critical of their bodies after they’ve lost 100 lbs then they were before they lost it. I have always tried to find the beauty in my own body, if I didn’t I would be mess of low self-esteem. I was always good at finding things that look good on me, but I’m not gonna lie, it is going to be a plus being able to shop in the “regular” section.
I just want to be comfortable.
Everyday I wear a “spanx” type tank top, so I can suck some of me in, even in the summer. I never wear tank tops and I rarely wear shorts, so I’m always hot. This past weekend I was wearing a tank top fishing, and when we left the lake we decided to go shopping. I was so self-conscious about my tank top I bought a t-shirt to wear.
Seriously, who wants to wear a t-shirt on a lake as beautiful as this? I want some SUN!
I hate to put a bathing suit on, and I usually wear something over it unless I’m swimming, so I’m always hot. I constantly have to change positions if I’m sitting, laying down, or even standing. I am never really comfortable. My feet and ankles always hurt, I am weary of plastic chairs in fear I will break one. I hate folding camp chairs because the posts always dig into my legs. I never wear heels, and if I do they are very low.
So this is what I am going to strive for, to not feel like this anymore. I am not doing this to be hot, or to look good (it’s a bonus though.) I just want to feel comfortable with myself.
I am frustrated by people who say/think I am doing this because of my looks, or that this is a vanity surgery. Getting plastic surgery that isn’t medically necessary is vanity surgery, and even then, whats wrong with trying to feel good about yourself? I am doing this for a lot reasons, But the main reasons are for health, comfort, and my future children’s health. I am beautiful now, and I know I don’t need this surgery to find beauty within me.
I will continue to tell myself that no matter what happens, I am beautiful.
