I'm WAITING!!

I have a feeling this is going to be a very frustrating process.

Since I lasted posted, I have made all my appointments that I personally needed to make
Nutritionist
Psychologist 1st and follow-up
Upper GI
Abdomen ultrasound
Yet- my surgeons office can’t seem to make any other appointments for me to get this process moving.
Cardiologist
Endoscopy
Sleep study.

I’m getting pretty peeved to say the least – If it were up to me they’d be scheduled by now. I called them today, and the guy “Bob” who does all of the appointments said, “Oohhh yeahh, I’ll do that and get back to you tomorrow.” This is the third time I’ve heard him say this.

I do not like having to rely in other people, it is just easier and faster to do myself. I just wish I had more of an idea of when my surgery will be, so I can start to prepare and save money. I’d like to start finding out what I need for right after my surgery I am concerned about spending money on protein shakes and stuff and not liking them. Anyone have any suggestions? I don’t have a lot of money,so I don’t want to spend money on protein I don’t like.

I am also in the process of trying to figure out what kind of blender to get- it is such a hard decision. Do I want to spend the money and get a really nice one that will last? Or should I get a decent one and hope it lasts a few years until I can get a SUPER nice one.
Plus, what is the best blender under $100? I have done a lot of research, all the websites tell me a different blender- its frustrating.

The unknown is really starting to piss me off

On another note- since I have until February 20th until I have to start losing weight, I’ve been eating whatever I want. I wish I could get this appointment sooner so I can just start on my diet. But holy crap what a difference. I am tired ALL the time, I feel like SHIT, plus my pants are not fitting nicely. I never realized how hard I actually work to maintain my weight and eat healthy. I have a feeling I am not going to miss food for a while after. I am disgusted.

But having dessert whenever I want has been a treat for me. mmmmm brownies…

This is going to take HOW LONG?

Well, I made my decision. I am going to go with the Roux-en-Y Gastric bypass. I just need to stop thinking about it now and go with it. I need to trust my first instinct.

After getting opinions from multiple sources, (some helpful-some not)and getting some advice from those who know me, I think this is going to be the best option for me. I do think I will just get in trouble with the sleeve; I would have too much freedom. I need something more restrictive and it is what I have prepared myself for. So I am going to go with old faithful!

NOW is the hard part- Scheduling all of my appointments:
Clinical Nutritionists 1st appointment Feb 20th
Psychological Evaluation
Cardiology Evaluation
Pulmonary Evaluation
Sleep Study
Upper GI Series X-ray – January 29th
Abdomen Ultrasound – January 29th
Upper Endoscopy

I am very lucky with the surgeon and program I am in, they are not requiring me to go on a specific diet, and I don’t have to go on any sort of liquid diet, even before my surgery. I do have to lose some weight though. After my first visit with the Nutritionist (or Nut as the post forums call them), I will need to lose 10-15 lbs, and then go back to the Nut to be cleared. Once the Nut and the Psychologist clears me, they can submit the forms to my insurance company for approval. Once they get that approval, I get a date.

In the mean time, I have to do ALL that other stuff. So far, I have the Upper GI and the Ultrasound scheduled (on the same day WOOT WOOT!!). The bariatric office is taking care of my other appointments (which I HATE because I am a control freak) so I have to wait for all of those to be scheduled by them, and then for them to call me, so I can call back and redo ALL of them. I would rather make all the appointments myself. I have a very strict work schedule and I am not able to leave. I have to switch shifts and get things covered to get these appointments made.

I am also really annoyed with the fact that I can’t see my Nut for more then a month. I want to get this process started already! I have to maintain my current weight, so I can’t lose or gain, until I see him. Yeah-OKAY! Because that’s super easy! I am hoping to have the surgery done and be recovered for Mothers day and Memorial day, and to be able to eat solid foods. We usually do things with Nate’s family on these holidays, and I’d much rather be able to eat a little bit with them, rather then sipping on chicken broth or gumming mashed up cauliflower.

Hopefully this process will go a little faster!

Choices, Choices

Yesterday, I had my first consultation with my surgeon Dr. Trevedi.

Here is Nate and I waiting for the doctor in his cute little office.

The appointment went really well, and I felt very comfortable after he came in. He asked me some questions to determine what kind of surgery I should have, but he surprised me. After I answered everything, he told me I had a choice based on what I wanted between the roux-en y gastric bypass and the gastric sleeve.
For those who are unsure of the difference:

Basically with the Gastric Sleeve, they cut the stomach vertically, and leave a “sleeve” as your stomach. This is a restrictive surgery only. With the Roux-en-y gastric bypass, they cut your stomach off except for a small pouch, reroute your intestines to the pouch, and then also route the rest of your stomach to the intestines. This makes it so that a small portion of your food and nutrients to not be absorbed, and also restricts incoming food. So they call this a restrictive and malnutrition surgery.

Here is a great website I found comparing the two:
http://www.gastricsleeve.us/gastric-sleeve-vs-gastric-bypass.html

As you can see there are lots of pro’s and con’s to both surgery’s.

The sleeve is less complicated, more food options, I can have sugar, and they can always go back in and do the roux-en-y if I feel like it isn’t doing what I want. The cons are that it is a newer surgery, so they only have about 12 years of research. There is a slightly lower success rate, and I can have sugar. I think this could be harmful to my success if I can still eat the same things, the point is to be healthier, and to not eat sugar and stuff. Also, based on other research, it isn’t be best surgery for acid reflux.

The roux-en-y has a slightly higher success rate, a higher loss %, and it has over 60 years of research. My doctor knows that if I stick to the plan I will be able to keep the weight I lose off for 40 years a minimum. That’s good odds’ right there. It’s more of a complicated surgery, and a longer overall recovery time. This is also a better surgery for those who have acid reflux. Because there is a lot more research, a higher success rate and the fact that I can’t have sugar will be better in the long run. A more restrictive surgery may be better for me.

My surgeon says it will be successful either way, but I don’t know what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to follow my gut, but I have no idea what my gut has been telling me. I’ve been preparing myself for the roux-en-y, because that is just what I assumed he would suggest. To be honest, I like the idea of having the sleeve. It sounds like less complications, less restrictions, and I can use a straw!! But by having less restriction, will I have the will power to make it work? If I can actually eat sugar, will I have the will power to not do it? My mom and my friend Meaghan have said I should do the roux-en-y, but that is what they have, that is the only basis I have to go off. And what if I don’t lose as much as I want to lose with the sleeve? or what if I lose too much w/ the RNY?

I am so confused now with my decision, and research and personal testimonies aren’t helping. Every time I think I am going to do one or the other, I change my mind again. I wish my surgeon would have just told me what surgery he wanted me to have and be done with it. I shouldn’t be making this choice.

As I promised before, here are “before” photos, the start of my journey, about 12 lbs less than my highest weight.

Butterflies…More like Bulldozers

I am exhausted.

I have my first consultation today with my surgeon and I am very anxious. I could not sleep last night, I am not sure if it was just from my anxiety or just one of those nights. I went to bed at 930, and kept waking up. I am really not sure how many hours I got, I remember trying to go to sleep around 10, waking up around 11:30, then midnight, then 4am. So hopefully I got a few hours, but it is leaving me very tired. I can’t even drink my coffee because I am feeling so nauseous.

I am not even all that sure what I am anxious about- It is just a consultation, not the actual surgery. I just don’t like the unexpected. I don’t like not knowing what is about to happen. I am just grateful that my boyfriend is coming with me; I want him to hear the things the doctor tells me, because I still don’t think he realizes how much this is going to change our lives. We are big foodies, and I don’t think that will change per say but how and what we eat will change for sure.

I keep going back and forth about all of this. I was talking to my mom over the weekend and she was telling me sometimes people end up being lactose intolerant. This would be the most horrible thing if this happened to me- I LOVE milk and cheese. My boyfriend and I drink at least a gallon of milk a week if not more. Its stuff like this that makes me question my decision.

I think another reason I am questioning myself is the few people that have questioned me as well. They keep putting doubt in my mind that this is the right decision. I am done with people trying to sway me into different things. If this weren’t a public blog, I’d go off right about it right now, because that is my mood at the moment. I actually had an entire paragraph all typed out, but deleted it instead. I’ll just say one thing: if you think you know better than I do, please keep your negative comments about MY decision to yourself. I am done hearing about it. (It’s really sad that I have to continue to say this, isn’t it?)

On a different note, I wanted to give a huge thank you to all of those who have given me so much support. Luckily, there have been more supportive people then negative, times 10!! Friends that I haven’t talked to in 10 years are reaching out to me to show their support. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Even with all this support, there are many things I am still worried about. For example, I am worried setting my surgery date. My mom buying her plane tickets to come and say with me for the first week. I am very worried something will happen and we’ll have to change it for some reason or another. I have to fit all of these appointments in before I am approved, and with my work schedule, I don’t know if I will be able to get them all done in time. I am thinking of scheduling the surgery out a bit just to make sure I get everything done first, it will also give my mom time to take off work and get a decent price on her tickets.

The anxiety on everything just keeps building and building. What if this and what if that. I need to start taking Yoga classes again just to calm the hell down. I can’t turn my brain off or calm the physical reactions I have to this anxiety. I get like this usually before I travel, in fear of being late and missing my plane. Or if I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone or something like that. But today it is just unruly I can’t calm myself down.

I seriously need a fucking Xanax.

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

This is probably the most exciting New Year I’ve ever had. For once I will actually be able to stick to my New Years Resolution.
Here they are:
1. To have my RNY Surgery and lose at least 65lbs by 2015
2. Try harder to keep in touch with my family and friends
3. Run a 5k.

I have kept my resolution pretty modest, in hopes that I actually accomplish them.
Monday I have my consultation appointment with my surgeon. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am shooting for a March appointment, this will give me enough time to get all of my qualifying appointments done and my sick time will renew in March so I don’t have to go on disability.

I also need to start all the paperwork for my financial assistance through the hospital. If I don’t do this, then there is no point for me to start this process because I won’t be able to afford it.

I am going to take a photo of myself on the day of my consultation, and its possible that I document my weight. It’s hard to post your weight before you have actually lost it. Not even my mother knows how much I weight right now. It is such an embarrassing thing, and it is a hard thing to embrace. I think I have done a good job being proud of taking a stand to make my life better, and diffused the negative people who have no idea the struggle I went through my entire life from having an effect on me. I had an incident with a family member that I thought I may talk about on here, but I have already said what I needed to say about this surgery, I don’t need to reiterate it again. But posting about my weight and not having lost weight is something so different.

In other news, I was able to go back to Michigan for a week during Christmas, and we went to the Henry Ford museum it was wonderful! They had an Avatar exhibit that I just loved! Here is a photo of me in the shoes of what would have been an Avatar character its to show how much bigger they are!

Huge Feet!!

Well after 5 hours in the museum and another 3 walking around the little town they call Greenfield Village, I thought my feet and ankles were going to fall off. During the last hour of the museum I was telling my mom how much my feet hurt, and she said, “My feet never hurt anymore.”

Is that possible? I can’t ever, EVER, remember a time my feet didn’t hurt after being on them for so long. I thought that was just what happened, you are on your feet for a long time, they hurt. But I don’t think I ever realized that my weight contributed that much to my feet. It makes a lot of sense now that I think about it, but it just got me even more excited to start this process.

I also told my boyfriends mom, grandma, and aunt over the weekend (His brother and father were in the room, but I don’t think they heard.) I am very relieved to have this off my chest with them, and they are excited for me! I am happy to have so much support from my family and friends. It really makes so much of a difference to have that positiveness.

To all the haters, I AM having this surgery, please stop projecting your negative energy onto me.

Now, here is a really beautiful picture of my boyfriend and I at Greenfield Village- this is the unedited version to show my full body

Aren’t we cute!!?

As much as I love this photo, I cropped it on facebook so it would only show my top half, because I look SO much bigger in my coat. The only thing that would have made this photo better is if I was thinner.

Ah, the problems of the fatties.

Out and Proud

I think the hardest thing about having this surgery is the stigma behind it. I find myself having to defend myself in my own blog, a place where I should feel safe for having any feeling or thought, for having this surgery to try and get healthy. I have to defend the choices I make in my life against people who have no idea what I have gone through in my life.

I have been called fatso, lard ass, fattie, whale, pig, little miss piggy, tub of lard, big fat Ashlee, Fatshlee, fat bitch, and so many other names throughout my entire life I can’t even remember them. This started when I was in 3rd grade… 3RD GRADE! What kind of child should have to go through that kind of pain? What is the reason we have to be so cruel?

A friend of mine that had her surgery a few months ago hasn’t told a lot of people because of that stigma. She feels, as do I, that people will judge her for “taking the easy way out” as everyone is led to believe. It’s the same stigma that we say to ourselves, “We really couldn’t just exercise?”

I would like to address this stigma. No- I can’t just exercise. No, it isn’t about just not eating. I have lived my entire life as a fat person. It is engrained in my DNA, my body doesn’t work like yours. I gain more weight then do you when I eat something not so healthy. I don’t lose as much weight as you do when I eat right and exercise. My body has physical pain when I exercise, and I DO exercise. I do Zumba and go to the gym, and hike and try to do all of these things- Being obese is a struggle I have to live with every single day of my life. And I’ve said this before, this isn’t the easy way out. This is probably going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. And you know what? I am proud of it.

I am proud that I am taking my life into my own hands, and deciding that half a life isn’t enough for me. I am deciding to LIVE and be HEALTHY, and to put that on to my children. I am making a conscious effort to change my life for the better. Why would someone judge something so positive in this world of negativity? In this world of hate and war and murder, why can’t someone embrace something as beautiful as being healthy and living life to the fullest extend? Or trying to make a better life for my children?

Why can’t we just be happy for each other? Be proud for making that difficult decision, proud for taking their lives into their hands and doing something good with it. I could stay this way the rest of my life- easily. I could continue to gain weight, yoyo through life always dieting, always working hard. I could have obese children and continue this trend. Or I can make the tough decision and do good in the world.

Today will be the first day I will have my blog on my Facebook. Every person I know and love will know what my decision is and that I want to love life.

If you have any negative comments, please keep them to yourself. If you feel the need to put negative comments on my blog, they won’t be approved, so no one else will see them but me. I will not allow your cruelty to impact other people and their positive life change.
As always, positivity and support is welcome with open arms.

Skin-Y

So- the past couple days I have been looking at myself naked in the mirror (ohh lala) and wondering what parts of my body will have loose skin and what will bounce back. My insurance doesn’t cover any sort of cosmetic surgery to take away loose skin, so until I hit the lotto or get a really good job, I won’t be having surgery to remove it anytime soon. I just wonder if it is worth it. Skin looks better when there is fat under it- I just wonder how well lotions and other things will help to tighten my skin up.

To be honest, I am really worried about my breasts. I am 27 and I haven’t had kids yet. I think I deserve to have perky boobs to go with my new body. I hate thinking that I’m going to have to have plastic surgery to get the body I want.


Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there is going to be some loose skin, I just hope I don’t look like… well this —

Cute on a puppy, not cute on a woman.


I know I will have to exercise to help with this, I do yoga a lot and I think that will really help with toning. I think I just need to realize that if I am going to do this, I need to take the bad with the good. Good thing, I love a loving supportive boyfriend who loves me for me, and maybe one day after a house and kids I can get a tummy tuck and new boobs!! (okay maybe just a boob lift, I don’t think I need anymore boob in there.)

I am still putting together a list of food items for preparations after my surgery. The best thing that is going to happen right after my surgery is that my mom is going to be spending a week with me right after my surgery, helping me adjust. I am really looking forward to having her here, and having that support. She lives all the way in Michigan and I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like. She is my best friend, and due to distance and other issues we haven’t been as close this year as we usually are. So I think this will really bring us back together. Plus, since she went through this almost four years ago, it’s just another connection we’ll have.

Christmas is a week away, and I am excited to go back to Michigan and see my family. It’s been a few months since I was back home, and I am really missing everyone. The only thing that would make it better is if I already had the surgery and was well on my way to losing this weight. But I guess at the same time its a good thing I haven’t had it already, I can enjoy the holidays, and then start the year a new. Hey- I may actually be able to keep a New Years Resolution this year!! First time for everything, right?

Anyone readings this that has experienced loose skin and any resolution that they’d like to share, please comment